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Queer and Queerier?

August 21st, 2009 · No Comments

So, I’ve been thinking lots about sex and gender lately, trying to figure out my own. Mina Meow also had a post on gender which helped move along some of my niggling thoughts.

I was born, and remain, biologically female. I have a vagina, mostly functioning ovaries, and boobs.

I present to most of the world as fairly femme looking. I have longish hair an wear make up and girly clothing and jewelry. I act very femme at times.

Things start to get confusing when I start exploring my gender role and gender identitiy. I enjoy many stereotypical female pursuits – Sewing, needle point, crafts, cooking and baking. I enjoy writing and reading, puzzles, cross words, and all that.

I am quite capable of jump starting a car, swinging an ax, changing a tire, theoretically disarming an assailant armed with a knife, taking over a small country through sheer force of will, and other useful skills. I simply prefer not to. Why should I, when I could have someone else do it?

However, I feel, inside, that I am male in many ways. In my head, I see myself as a leather daddy, very Tom of Finlandesque. I don’t know why, but I feel that if I were a man, I would be one of those aggressively masculine men, all muscular and covered in hair and leather…basically, I’d aspire to be Wolverine. (See, part of my interest in that character is my wanting to emulate him.  Also, wanting to tie him down, beat him up, and fuck him. But also wanting to be him.)

I also feel very comfortable within gay leather culture. I enjoy the look and dynamics. I like cruising. I like flagging. I like fisting and crisco and slings and poppers. (Well, I don’t use poppers myself, but I don’t mind my partners using them. All they ever do for me is give me a headache.) I like tight jeans and big belt buckles and…well, hyper-masculinity, basically. Bikers guys and bull riders. Either way, they’re gonna be wearing chaps. God I love chaps…but I digress.

Anyway. It gets a little confusing at times. I have no desire to transition, though I have the utmost respect for those going through the transitioning process – it takes real balls to make such a huge change in your life! I don’t do drag, or dress like a boy, or even all that butch. I mean, I love my boots, but that’s about as close as I get.  I don’t use male pronouns, I don’t use a male name (If I did, I think it would be David), and I don’t have much of an interest in doing either. If I ever used a title, I would use ‘Lady’, (As I do in my pleather family, the House of Naugahyde) though I wouldn’t mind someone calling me Sir. And Rik calls me Daddy. I’m definitely more a daddy than a mommy, despite my maternal streak.

I also often feel that while I think of myself as queer, that no one else does. That I’m not ‘queer enough’, whatever that means. I don’t look all that queer, I don’t think. I usually don’t feel welcome in queer spaces. Though I think most of this has to do with my own insecurities, and not with the people in those spaces! I tend to gravitate to the gay male side of things, but that whole being a femme girl doesn’t usually go over well there; especially since I generally think of myself as a dude. Sort of.

My sexual orientation leans towards the heterosexual end of the spectrum – though I have a particular love of bisexual boys. Its odd, the men I admire tend to be these super hyper masculine type of men, but the ones I want to shag tend to be very pretty boys. Not girly, just pretty. Slim, muscular, ya’ll know the deal. If you don’t know the type of boy I like after reading this blog, you’ve got blinders on, lol.

I generally don’t have much interest in girls. When I do, its usually the exception. I tend to prefer boyish and butch girls, and transmen (though I’ve never been with a transman) with the occasional femme thrown in there. My bisexuality might have actually been a phase. Go figure.

I had someone use the phrase ‘cunted fag’ to describe the kind of gender we ride in, which totally makes sense to me. I like that. Cunted Fag. It sits well, and I think I may start using it more. For a while, I was musing on the term bigendered, but I don’t think that’s quite it. I don’t switch between two gender presentations…but I no longer feel cisgendered is the right word for me either.

Ah well. I guess this is what the term genderqueer (Or, I suppose, genderfluid.But something about genderqueer sounds right for me.) is for. A genderqueer cunted fag – that’s me!

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Tags: Kink · boots · gender · life · thoughts · trans

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