Heart Full Of Black

One of the other wonderful things that I experienced at this years DO Summer Camp were some revelations, or rather, rediscoveries about parts of my spiritual self and the path that I’m on. This entire year, from last year’s camp to this years, has been full of discoveries and decisions and transformations for me.

After 2008’s camp, I made the decision to pursue weight loss surgery, which was a huge step in my life in terms of self healing. I am now almost 60lbs lighter, and much happier, and more importantly, much healthier.

Last year I also made the decision to start school to become a Licensed Massage Therapist, at the prompting of Marcello. I thought he was nuts at first, but it was honestly the right choice for me – I’m still in school, but everyday I love what I’m doing.

Ever since starting, for the first time in years I know that I’m on the right path again. Its absolutely wonderful to know that you’re walking the proper path, and that you will make a difference.

See, last camp things were shaken loose, and this camp, things were shaken into place (lots of things on both sides, really). And I was able to remember that I’m a healer, and I was able to experience that as well. This was a very energetically giving camp for me.

On the physical plane, I had the chance to use the skills I’ve learned in school to help someone in pain and distress, and be part of what helped them stay on their feet at camp. It is so wonderful to see the results of what you know and what you do work, and I couldn’t help but smile every time I saw this person walking around.

I have always been a healer, and always driven to help others, physically and emotionally. I have, for most of my life, done self taught energy work, usually for my own physical healing, but for others when I had the chance. It often left me drained, as I didn’t know what I was doing and I often found myself giving entirely too much of myself. I think this is a large part of why I went into the funeral business, why I ultimately left, and why I was absolutely fantastic with the families and the other living people I was able to interact with. (However, I sucked at much of the rest of the business. All the practical aspects, really. Embalming? Not so great. Make up? Nope. Positioning flower? Meh.) I had the chance to touch lives in a small way and make things go smoothly for people at a sucky time.  I had wonderful experiences  doing so, but it wasn’t the right place for me.

I also had some wonderful one on one healing experiences with Anon at camp, which also help my other intrinsic skill wend its way to the surface.

See, I’m an empath. I’ve always been an empath. I have always been extremely good at figuring out what others are feeling, and often I feel what others are feeling. As you can imagine, this sort of thing sucks in the funeral business, especially since I never really learned to control it. Rather, I suppressed it, or walled it up.

Generally, this only gets away from me during camp, due to the intense spiritual nature of it, at least for me.  (Sometimes, when I’m super stressed or drained, the empathy goes wonky as well, but I’m getting better at working with that) And there have always been wonderful rituals that have helped me in various ways.  For the past two camps, I find I always cry on Friday nights – often in a very cathartic way, that allows me to open up for the weekend (the first year, it was from a beating, and the second, from Lee Harrington’s Labyrinth Ritual.) I get to release all the negative I’ve been carrying around, and allow in the good times. The energy pull has often served as a ritual where I could take in the good energy I needed, the solid, grounding energy of tree, and earth, and dirt.

This year, I went in with relatively little negative to give away, though what I had was dispersed during the Fall Equinox ritual. Instead, I found I had so much inside of me that I was driven to give – to give that healing massage, to give to Anon, to give to the tree and the others in the energy pull ritual, to give whatever I could where ever I could. And goddamn, was it wonderful.

This all came to ahead, however, during Margo Eve’s grounding circle. After brunch on Monday, Margo hosts and acts as priestess for a grounding circle for anyone who wants to attend. This was the first time I went, but I always thought it sounded like a great way to end camp, disperse all the energy we raised, and to bring our mental state back to where it needs to be for the return to our daily life.

Margo uses bells to sound out the energy of each person, and move them through where they needed to go, and it was so fascinating, because often, I found the bells resonating with me.

And of course, nearly everyone was crying, before and after their interaction with the bells.  I found myself overwhelmed with every one’s feelings, and the need to respond to them all. There was lots of hugging, and I found myself doing lots of palpating Heart hara spots, and sending and balancing and moving energy, and hugging.  And it went on and on and on, until eventually Margo got to me, and I felt as if the bells were going completely out of whack. I don’t remember much, except crying, and saying that I felt everything and I couldn’t stop it.  I know Margo commented on me having walls, rather than filters, which obviously isn’t a good thing (and one I desperately need to work on.) Eventually, I was nearly flat on the floor with my fingers in the earth, trying to ground.

I know I eventually did ground and calm down, but it took a while. I sort of came back to myself in a big cuddle puppy pile of my friends, and with my boy.

Afterwards, we all got back up, and talked a bit about what we had gotten from this particular camp that we wanted to take home. I obviously won’t talk about the others, but I had lots at this camp I wanted to take home – my spiritual and healing re-awakenings, my eyes being opened to part of my path in life,  the wonderful experiences I had, and of course, the beautiful connection I made with Anon and the love we share for each other.

So far, they’re all going strong. :)

This entry was posted on Wednesday, October 14th, 2009 at 12:40 am and is filed under Anon, Dark Odyssey, energy, energy pull, life, massage, ritual, sex camp, spirituality, thoughts, woo-woo. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.