Heart Full Of Black

So, I’ve decided to retire Heart Full of Black. I’ve been thinking about this for a while, along with many other thoughts floating through my head.

Heart Full of Black, for me, has served its purpose.

See, I think everything happens for a reason. Everything. Sometimes I look back at the paths I’ve walked in my life, and I can see how each thing led to another thing, everything finally bringing me closer to where I am now, where I’ve needed to be.

See, I’ve always know, deep down, that I was meant to be a healer. As a child, I was empathic, and had an intuitive, though unstructured, idea of energetic healing. But, I was an Indigo child in a very non-indigo home, so I tamped most of it down.  And I didn’t think I had it in me, so, I took a vastly different path. I went to work with the dead. And even there, I had the chance to help people heal, though in a vastly different way than I ever expect.

Now, its time for me to go down that path. I have come into a wonderful sense of calmness and assurance the past two weeks, after several months of spiritual confusion – particularly since a deity had shown up in my life and requested attention. I had posted on twitter, a few days ago and had a conversation:

” Hm. In my head, lately, I feel like woo-things had been fighting for my attention. It seems like they’ve stopped. Either I’ve settled on a path, or things are about to spring up again. A few weeks ago, it was pretty intense, and I’ve had no revelations. :-/”

Anon, my sweet, lovely brilliant fiance said “you don’t need revelations to have a meaningful spiritual experience. Simple awareness is usually enough :)”

Me: “true, but I feel like im waiting for something to happen”

Anon: “i have felt that way most of my life. What i learned is that you the anticipation you feel is real but it could just be the universe that is in anticipation of you”

He’s right. The universe has been waiting for me, and now I’m ready.

Odin also manifested in my life as well. He showed up in the flesh, three days in a row in September. I dreamed of making spears. I had a vision of a dedication to Him, and his name and image kept popping up in my daily life.

Now, I’ve come to understand why, I think. I have always loved Norse mythology, though it was never a spiritual path that I followed, though I have a great attachment and attraction to many of the stories. I’ve been planning a tattoo of His ravens and a quote for some time. He is someone who I would most definitely notice, and would definitely pat attention to, because in my experience, he is not someone I would imagine would come to me (though, I don’t generally imagine anyone would come to me.)

I had though that He had wanted my direct service to him. But I never got a sign or feeling that that was what He wanted. I think He showed up as a remind to me that, as I felt, it was time to make a choice and walk my path. I couldn’t ignore Him, after all!

I’m done with my massage training, at least what I need to satisfy the state. I have worked to the satisfaction of my Sensei, and its time for me to go forth and do Shiatsu, and to continue studying the healing arts. I’m ready, and that is the time of life I am at.

It is also time for me to focus on the semi-neglected spiritual part of my life, because that is entwined with my healing path.

Now. This does not mean that I am leaving the scene, because I am not. I’m still a pervert. I’m still going to have kinky sex with Anon. Still going to have fun poly sex. Still going to events, still gonna be on twitter. I’ll still teach, if people want me to teach. Hell, I’ll even probably be blogging, just not here anymore. I’m going to leave this site up until the domain expires, but then it will be gone.

See, this sex blog helped me learn and grow and become the sexual person I am. It helped me meet wonderful people, and have wonderful experiences; I grew as a top, I grew as a human being, and because of this path, I had the chance to meet Anon (according to him and his Guides, several years before we were supposed to meet. Now, we’re walking down these paths together, which is more than I could ever have dreamed of.

And I’m also tired. I’m tired of blog drama and catty sex blogger fights and people acting like assholes to each other. Tearing each other down, getting inflamed over the slightest stupid thing. I’ve got to say – life is much more shiny and fun on this side of the fence. Just sayin’.

But now, I have Reiki to learn, and more classical Chinese medicine to study, and who knows what else. I have a business to build. I have even more people to meet and to learn from. I have a new city to move to and settle in, and I’ve got a person I want to build a life with. I’ve got so much in front of me!

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I have another blog, where I’m sure I’ll be posting stories and such – tales of massage, musings on whatever I want. But it will be a personal blog, not one just focused on sex. Here.

I’m also going to keep up my tumblr blog – sexy photos, cute stories, quotes, and pictures of adorable animals.

I’ll be on FetLife too, as Wendy Blackheart.

So really, this isn’t a goodbye for me. Just a goodbye for this blog – you can’t get rid of Wendy Blackheart that easily!

Ah, Scarleteen. I can actually remember a time before Scarleteen – they started up in 1998, when I was in 8th grade. See, I went to a school where 99.9% of our sexual health information was from an abstinence only program.

The school sex ed actually started out ok – in grades 3 and 5 we had health classes where we learned about the human body and how it works. In 5th grade, we separated out into groups of just boys and just girls, and got some of the details of puberty and what would happen to our bodies. We learned where babies came from and all that before the abstinance only programs were started.

By high school, however, we were not getting much in the way of good information. We didn’t learn about birth control at all – it wasn’t even mentioned, not even in a negative way. We saw lots of photos of what STD’s can do to your body. But nothing I would consider really useful. Very little mention of alternative sexualites. Very little information on how to deal with interpersonal relationships. I can remember the anger from teachers, some of whom I had as teachers in my past sex-ed and health classes, at not being allowed to teach properply. I’m pretty sure that one of the teachers, who continued to push the envelope, was fired or quit, as she disappeared shortly after.

Hell, my younger sister went through the same program right behind me, and she didn’t even know that blue balls wasn’t a real thing that she needed to be concerned about. She gave many an un needed blow job before one of her boyfriends set her straight.

People argue that schools shouldn’t be involved in sex education, and that it should rest on the parents of children to teach them instead, but this has problems too. When I, at a young age, found a copy of an age-appropriate book on where babies came from and started to read it. I read *everything* at that age. (I think I was about 6. I started to read quite early.) My mother found me reading it, took it away, and slapped me.  My later maternal sex education included gems like “You don’t need to go to the gynecologist, you don’t need to go until you are married” (At the time, I was 2 weeks into my first period, which would last for another 2 weeks. I probably should have seen a doctor). At 22, she told me that I shouldn’t do something until I was married (she made weird hand gestures explaining this). Generally, all sexual health questions were answered vaguely, incorrectly, and with anger.

However, I, even as a youngin’, tended to be extremely pro-active about things I wanted to know about. I rode my bike to the library, and got whatever the current new edition of the Teenage Body Book, and other sexual health text books. I had been given an adult access library card since I had already read my way though most of the age appropriate fiction and had moved on to adult fiction by then. Thankfully, my mom was tired of having to go to the library to check stuff out for me on her card and got me my own.

So, I have always been a big fan of outside research for sex education. If it wasn’t for that, I wouldn’t know half the shit I know today, nor have the skills to find them out.

Scarleteen was the only site I found on the internet at the time that I trusted. They gave honest, accurate information in a relatable, understandable non-judgemental day.  By the time I was checking the site regularly, most of the information was already known to me, but it became, for me, the gold standard of websites. When people came to me for information, I sent them to Scarleteen. When they had a question I didn’t know the answer to, I sent them to Scarleteen. When I needed to give someone information about something, I sent them a link from Scarleteen. All of my youngest sister’s friends used Scarleteen, because part of my drive-by sexual advice (I used to wander by and drop a tidbit off ‘Never use oil based lube with latex condoms!’ ‘Some antibiotics make birth control pills less effective!’) was a link to their website. Because no matter how cool of an older sister I was, there were still things they didn’t want to ask me yet.

To me, the idea that we had to go looking for this information was so sad. I sincerely wish that schools were all required to have honest, comprehensive sexual health information. This is information we all NEED, to be healthy, effective adults. That fact that we don’t have this is a sad thing – but thankfully, there are resources like Scarleteen available to kids and teens today to get them the information they need.

I’ve noticed, at least in my own little bubble, differences between the kids who have access to this information and those who didn’t – my sister and her friends are much more pro-active now about maintaining their sexual health, and dealing with issues with their partners. So far, none of them have had an unwanted pregnancy, which is not something I can say about my graduating class. They are willing to talk, and ask, and question in ways my generation wasn’t quite ready to to yet – and this is only an age difference of seven years.

What also is important to me is the fact that many of these children are LGBT, Queer, or questioning, and they have a fabulous resource available to them while they figure themselves out, again, something my generation was only just starting to have.

Scarleteen was an important stepping stone in my sexual education. Because of them, I was able to go into my early sexual experiences with knowledge and agency. I was able to make good decisions, and I was happy with the decisions I made. Actually, I waited quite a while before I finally had sex, and again, was able to go into this experience physically and emotionally prepared. These are Good Things. All kids should have that opportunity. (The Sex Readiness Checklist was a great resource for that, BTW. I think it should be given to anyone who ever may have sex, ever.)

We’ve made leaps and bounds in a remarkably short amount of time in non-standard, alternative sexual education and information, and the accessability for those who need it to find that information, and that is a beautiful thing.

However, unsurprisingly, this takes money. Scarleteen does not have any federal, state, or local funding. The majority of their funding comes from private donors, and to continue to provide such outstanding service, they need donations! Scarleteen has always managed to provide outstanding information and outstanding services on a tight budget, and I can only imagine what they could do with more. They’ve done such good work for so many, and I for one want to see them continue to do this work!

So, if you can, I encourage you to donate to Scarleteen! They do so much good for so many kids and teens who need it. That’s all I can say – donate if you can. Hell, in a few more generations, we might even be able to get good sexual health information back into the schools, if we can educate enough of the kids today who will turn into the administrators of tomorrow!