Recently, I told a male friend of mine who I liked very much how much I liked him. And sadly for me, he didn’t like me back in the same way. Yet after a day or two of me being sad panda and hanging out with friends, we were able to talk things over in person, and everything seems good and back to the way they were before - better, actually, from my point of view.

Because we are friends. Really, in the past year or so, he’s become one of my best friends, and I honestly value that more than the warm fuzzies and uncertainty of romance.

I have found, in my life, that while I *want* female friends, I *need* my male friends on a different, almost more basic, level.  Aside from Maria, I haven’t stayed close to a large chunk of my ‘best’ female friends. But the boys? Beware, if you get close to me boys, I keep you around for ever.  Also, I will help chase away crazy bitches, give good relationship advice, and continue to sleep with you as long as we’re both allowed to. I will also want to continue wanting casual touch, cuddling, and curling up together to sleep.

Maybe I have daddy issues, maybe I’m insecure, maybe I’m just weird, but I need my close male friends. If you know me, you know that I’m friends with all of my ex-boyfriends but one, and I would mourn the loss of their friendships more than the loss of the relationships.  I need their affection, the casual touch, and the closeness more than I care to admit.

I remember, well after Daniel and I broke up and were both seeing other people, a time he came over my house with the latest Fables comic. It had just come out that day, and he hadn’t read it yet. We cuddled up on my bed, laid it out, and read it at the same time. It was sweet.

I think part of what scares me about talking to boys with whom I have that comfortable type of friendly, and often sexual relationship with, about warm fuzzies that comes up is more about the loss of what currently is, not what maybe.  I’d rather be told that someone isn’t feeling romantical towards me than find out they don’t want to be my friend anymore. Because I already have a deep attachment to them, and don’t want to lose that, any of it.

When I get that close to a boy, I consider him mine. His happiness, his emotional well-being are my concern, and I want them happy.  I am fiercely protective of them, and loyal to them. I crave their touch and concern in return, which, thankfully, I usually get.  Amazingly, I have managed in my life to only develop this sort of relationship with boys who don’t suck at all, and who, to an extent, understand where I’m coming from.

Anyway, this is all probably of no interest to anyone but myself. I often come back to and explore this…issue? Situation? Type of thing? in my head, and try to put it on paper ot better understand it. Take of it what you will.