01 Dec

Ball Gags and Bad Times

Or, Why I’m Never Going to a Party at the Fuckhouse Ever Again.

This is my blog. I’ll tell the stories I want, as they happened, and how they made me feel, goddamnit. So anyone who has a problem with this can suck my balls.

Necessary Information: Most of you who know me in the real world know that I’m a good sport in scene. I don’t have many hard limits, because I’m willing to try anything once, and usually, I wind up liking it.

There are exceptions. Cuttings and scarification. I used to be a self injurer, for nearly 10 years. I’m terrified that being cut, regardless of if its in a scene or not, will be a trigger for me. I’m very aware of my triggers, and avoid them as best I can. Perhaps, eventually, I will work on overcoming this. I found I enjoy needle play, and I worried that would be a trigger, and it wasn’t.

The other big exception are gags. I can’t handle gagging. Just the idea of it, just the sight of a gag being brought towards me, can send me hyperventilating and towards a panic attack. Especially insertable gags, like ball gags.

The only person to successfully gag me was Franklin. Despite the love and trust I had for him, truly the only reason that gagging worked was because we used vet tape, and I could easily push it off and away from my mouth with my tongue should I have needed to.

I don’t know why I have this particular block about gags. I’ve never had a panic attack when gagged or anything, but I fear it happening, and thus, fear the gag. I highly doubt *this* is something I’m going to get over, and quite frankly, don’t feel I want to.

But sometimes, when I think the situations is right, I can be flexible.

I’ve only ever had two bad times at an orgy, and this was the worst. The first, wasn’t that bad of a bad time. A stupid boy made the mistake of insulting me while his dick was in my mouth. It threw my mojo off, and killed my orgy vibe, but worse things have happened, and really, its his loss, because now I’m totally never fucking his ass, or making him a steak dinner. See boys? Remember, don’t insult a woman when you have your dick in her mouth. You lose fun things.

Background: After the first party I attended at Marcus’s Fuckhouse, he had described me in the write up as the ‘noisy girl, and not in a good way’. I was annoyed and offended, but I dealt with it. I *am* noisy. I’m noisy in bed. I yell and scream at times, and I’m generally loud in those way. I talk a lot well. I can carry on entire non sexual related conversations while fucking.

Sometimes, Its really hard for me to not bring up a point from a previous conversation during sex, especially with people who I like talking to. This often happens with Jefferson and Nathan, because we talk a lot. I don’t know how Jefferson feels about it, but Nathan doesn’t mind. We’re both talkers. Such is the way of life.

Lily once said she could always tell when I was at an orgy because she could always hear me talking. I think she blogged it, if I recall.

But whatever. I got over it. I figured, if my talking was too much of a problem for Marcus, he wouldn’t let me come down to another party. And anyway, its an orgy. Just stick a dick in my mouth, srsly.

The Party: This second party in D.C., Avah and I were both rather tired and cranky from the long drive down, and the late start we had. Once there, I discarded my clothing rather quickly, more out of a desire to be comfortable than to be naked and sexy.

At these parties, I tend to be more of a lurker. I don’t know these people, which is odd for me, and I’d rather watch whats going on. I was perched on the bed, watching Desire getting oiled up and massaged by a very nice looking man, when Marcus came over and started messing around, putting clothespins on me. I’m not much of a fan of clothespins, especially not when he tried to put one on my septum. Blarge. The nipples weren’t so bad, but the ones on my pussy were hurting in a bad way. When he had to leave to answer the door, I had Avah help me take them off, and resumed watching Desire.

When Marcus came back, he said that he had ’something special planned’ for me.

I was surprised. Up until this point, my interaction with Marcus had been negligible. He seemed nice enough, but I wasn’t particularly interested in playing with him, nor did he seem to have any interest in me. Yeah, I blew him at camp, but who didn’t I blow at camp?

He tied up my wrists with bondage tape. This seemed promising. I normally don’t bottom to people I don’t know and trust implicitly, but I figured this was Marcus. He knows Jefferson, and all sorts of other people I know and trust, and he went to camp and is kinky and stuff, and he’s a whore, so he ought to know what he’s doing, and hell, this could be fun.

Then he brought over the ball gag. Now, at that point, I should have known. But I was busy having my ballgag freak out, with my lips clamped together shaking my head. Shaking all over, really. Avah, who was there, told him that was a hard limit for me.

She’s a good girl.

He asked if there was something else we could try. Since at this point, I was still being stupid and naive, I said that since he had something interesting planned, and if this part had to be part of it, he could could put something over my mouth.

So, he duct-taped my mouth shut. This, I figured, was ok. I didn’t love it, but it wasn’t horrible. I could push it off if I needed.

Then he started wrapping it around my head and my hair, two or three times.

I did not like this. This I couldn’t remove on my own, and now I had no way of getting it off if I needed. But I thought, stupidly, he wanted to do something fun. I like fun things. I’m game. But I wasn’t like this so far.

He tossed some more duct tape on my nipples, and then had me get on my stomach, with my arms in front of me.

So there I am, naked, on my stomach, hands tied, and my head wrapped with duct tape. I’m waiting for the fun part to start. Cold massage oil is poured on my back, and I try to shout through the tape, but of course I can’t. I hear him say that was too see how loud I could scream through it, and good, I couldn’t.

Then he walked away and left me there.

And didn’t come back. At all.

Eventually, Avah realized he wasn’t planning to come back, and she took the tape off and untied my hands, and wiped the oil off my back for me.

I was somewhat annoyed and upset and humiliated, but it took me a day or two to really process it all.

That, this person, a grown man. who I had assumed was familiar with the kinky scene, who as a whore, I assumed could read people, and as a person I thought I could trust, who took advantage of that trust, set out to humiliate or punish me for what I consider a part of me, my verbosity.

I’m not stupid. I really do feel, that he did this on purpose.

Ya’ll should have seen me Monday. I had fallen at Desire’s house the day after the party, Sunday, and hurt my head. (I did that lovely backwards fall windmilling arms thing and cracked the back of my head on the floor. I couldn’t move my neck properly for a week.)

So I hadn’t gone to school, and thank god, because I was processing the whole weekend in my mind, and I was unbelievably upset. I couldn’t do anything. I sat on the couch, and fed popcorn to Crispin, petting him. When my roommate came home, even he could tell that something was wrong, and you practically have to hit him with a clue by four to get him to notice anything aside from video games and his girlfriend. And I cried, and cried. Daniel agreed that was a horrible shitty thing for a grown man who knew better to do. Then he played a game with me to try and cheer me up. That was nice.

I managed to drag myself out to CV, thinking that perhaps socializing with nice people, and people who would understand why that would upset me would help. It didn’t, really, because it hurt, still, though telling Eileen helped with the weight of it. And she, and a kinkster, could understand better than Daniel why this hurt, and how I felt.

I took the subway for a bit, but decided to walk. Walking is a good way to clear my head, but waking around NYC crying late night isn’t usually a good thing.

I found myself in Jefferson’s neighborhood. I called, knowing he’d be up and I could talk to him, and maybe that would make it better, but he ignored my calls and didn’t pick up, and I’m entirely too polite to go knocking on someone’s door uninvited, even when I need help. Especially then, when I was starting to realize, or to feel, that I wasn’t all that important to people.

Eventually, I went back to my home, and slept with the aid of some Rozerem.

But it was really weighing on me. All week, really. Hell, it still is, or I wouldn’t be writing this.

While at the Perverts Tea, Miss Viviane was asking about the weekend of orgies Avah and I had been to, and I told her about it.

That, more than anything helped, because I really thought that if I told any of the others who were closer to Marcus, his friends they would write it off, and be all “Oh, that’s Marcus, that crazy guy” or “Oh, Marcus is all id, he does what he wants” which really, I wouldn’t have been able to deal with. I didn’t want my feelings and thoughts devalued.

Because I don’t think I’m in the wrong to be so upset. I’m not. HE behaved inappropriately, and in a hurtful way.

Maybe he didn’t mean it to be as malicious and hurtful as it was, but you know what? It was malicious. It was hurtful. It was intentional. And I still feel bad. It hurt me in a way I can’t fully explain or comprehend right now.

And goddamnit, its not me being young and melodramatic, or stupid or crazy. It was wrong. I was wronged.

It hurts that kink, something I love, was used to humiliate me in a bad way. Especially after making it clear that gagging is a heavy limit of mine, and letting him know I was willing to make an exception, and extend my trust a bit.

It hurts that someone felt the need to humiliate me like that, rather than handing things in an adult way.

Like, you know, saying ‘Hey. You talk too much. Shut the fuck up.’ or ‘Hey, I don’t think your a good mesh at my parties. I’d rather you didn’t come’ or at the very least, by ignoring me.

And that this all came from someone who ought to know better. You know what? I don’t care what anyone says. A grown man, who has at least a *basic* knowledge of BDSM, and who’s a goddamn whore and earns his keep by reading and reacting to people, should know better.

I shouldn’t have been treated like that. I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve to hurt like this. I already have enough to deal with in my life without having this added to it.

24 Responses to “Ball Gags and Bad Times”

  1. 1
    Joy Says:

    *hugs* I’m so sorry. That sounds like a terrible experience. I’m glad, though, that you’re getting th support and outlets that you need for it.

  2. 2
    Elizabeth Says:

    I don’t understand how anyone could write that off as being just his personality. That was like middle school behavior brought into the BDSM world. He’s a whore for god sake what makes him think he is so much better than you?

  3. 3
    thatgirl Says:

    wow– how did i miss all that?

    here i was thinking that ‘noisy girl’ was me…

    i’m sorry that happened to you, have you talked to him about it?

    i do hope you don’t let this keep you away from dc all together–

  4. 4
    Wendy Says:

    Thatgirl - Outside of the parties I don’t have much contact with him, nor do I want to at this point. And it won’t keep me away from D.C. in general, because I’d still like to visit, but I’m never going to one of his bloody parties again. Which seemed to be his goal.

    Elizabeth - Lots of stuff seems to get written off coz its his personality. He’s ‘all id’. I don’t know if he thinks he’s better than me, but your right, that is like middle school behavior. From a 40 year old man.

    Joy - Thanks doll. Writing it helped the most. I really though everyone was going to think I was being stupid and hysterical. Its nice to know that people don’t.

  5. 5
    Elaine Says:

    I realize you have no idea who I am, but I read this and really wanted to comment. I’m a mildly kinky mid-twenties girl who doesn’t know you or any of the people you write about, but reads (and lurks on) most of your blogs regularly. I just wanted to let you know that I don’t think you’re being stupid or hysterical at all. What a stupid, childish thing to do to someone, and how malicious! I don’t understand why someone would want to be so hurtful, when it would’ve been simple enough to not invite you if he didn’t want you there. What an idiot.

  6. 6
    Maja Says:

    I don’t know who this person is, but right now I’m see-sawing between never wanting to meet him and wanting to know where he is right now, so I can sock him in the jaw. What an unbelievably crappy thing to do. I’m also a verbose and vocal kinkster, and if someone did that to me I’m not sure I’d ever get over it.

    I agree; we all have too much to deal with. Why add to that with malice performed just for fun?

    I’ve always wanted to put Nair in someone’s shampoo as revenge for something truly hateful. This sure sounds like a good one. Know anyone with shower-access?

    On an unrelated note, Izzard?

  7. 7
    Wendy Says:

    Elaine - thank you. Right now, I’m just glad to hear that people agree with me that he was being a fucktard, and that it isn’t me being hysterical. I don’t understand it either. And I’m sure he doesn’t even think what he did was wrong, which makes it all the worse. When you willingly hand power over yourself to another person, the last thing you expect is for that person to use that power maliciously.

    Maja - I would love to see you sock anyone in the jaw. I’m not saying this to be mean, but your just as teeny as my BFF. When she comes to NYC to visit, I have to introduce you two, especially since you also both have the same name. It should be a battle of epic proportions.

    As for Izzard, I’m waiting for Eileen to let me know a good date for her - she’s the busiest out of everyone invited, so I figured I’d plan it around her. But I will let you know as soon as I do so we can set things up. :) Nothing’s better than Eddie.

  8. 8
    Dev Says:

    That sounds incredibly crappy and, beyond that, a total violation of trust and ethics. I wouldn’t accept “he’s all id” as an excuse for rape. And I would call this “scene rape.”

    I’m so sorry this happened to you.

  9. 9
    Maja Says:

    To play devil’s advocate for a second, there’s a fine line between full-on, mustache-twirling malice and top/dom malice, i.e. the part of you that loves it when your victim squirms. It’s fun to use the law of counter-punishment sometimes. Oh, you’re an imposing guy who can derail my topping game with a single glance? Now you’re tied to a chair and blindfolded. Who’s laughing now?

    But this is clearly different. Not fun-mean, mean-mean. I’m imagining myself in your position; oddly enough, some mild taunting might have ameliorated the situation for me - it can be fun to be visibly stymied. But you CERTAINLY don’t just throw a hard limit at someone and walk away. (Hey, in my book, you don’t freakin walk away!)

    Also, you’re setting me up for a battle already? Will you be disappointed if we get along?

    And finally, why am I not asleep right now?

  10. 10
    Wendy Says:

    Dev - thank you. <3

    Maja - Your right. There’s a find line between the fun sort of malice (ie, see the video where Lolita pierces me. She’s mean. But its fun mean!) and bad malice. Its hard to walk that line sometimes. I’ve topped, and accidentally said stuff that was ‘too far’, but I provide appropriate care in that situation.

    I’m setting you up for an adorable fun battle. You probably will get along.

    Lol, I don’t know why you’re not asleep yet - normally, I’m not asleep at this hour either. This is the first time in a week I’ve seen 6am from the ‘waking up’ side, not the ‘going to bed’ side. Is weird.

  11. 11
    MsBehavn Says:

    I’m really sorry that this happened to you, Wendy. I just expected so much more from Marcus (and from Jefferson, actually!). I hope that you’re getting all the love and support you need from your friends right now.

  12. 12
    Celia Kyle Says:

    Totally not cool. I mean, I’m not even that “in” to kink and on a very basic level, I wouldn’t bind someone and leave them alone.

    BDSM related or not, tying someone up and leaving them alone without prior discussion isn’t just a bad BDSM practice, it’s a bad person practice. I mean, would you tie your mother up and abandon her without her permission?

    I wouldn’t, not unless I anticipated The Mom hunting my ass down and taking a piece out of it afterward.

  13. 13
    Jocasta Says:

    Well, I wasn’t the only one that had a horrible emotional time that weekend and honestly I have to say yours was worse. What happened to you was done intentionally. I happen to be a big believer in trust and aftercare. You shouldn’t let Marcus off the hook and if anything, this makes me never want to play with someone so callous.

    I also hope we’re okay, cause I thought you were kinda pissed at me. While I may saysomething that inadvertantly offends you, I would never seek to hurt you in any such way.

    I wish I could give you a big hug.

  14. 14
    Wendy Says:

    Jocasta - I’ve always been a big believer in trust and aftercare too. Any time I engage in any act, scene, or whatever, I am giving over an amount of trust that is almost scary to me. Normally, I’m an excellent judge of character, and also have the good sense to play with people who know what they’re doing in the scene, and who are experienced, so its never been a problem. But to have that trust violated in such a callous way hurts, and I feel its damaged my ability to trust. I haven’t yet had the chance to play with anyone new, who I already didn’t have that trust bond with, but I worry.

    I wasn’t pissed at you. Unfortunately, everything that happened with you and Becca was going on at the same time as this, so I haven’t been all that well or communicative. I admit, I was offended by the ‘not that bisexual’ comment towards both Becca and I, but you were hurting at the same time, and it wasn’t meant in a malicious way, I know. But it rubbed me the wrong way when I was already pretty raw.

  15. 15
    Curvaceous Dee Says:

    Oh hon - that’s just appalling, and I really feel for you. *hugs* And I want to take to Marcus with a FuckRake™, because that’s one of the meanest, nastiest things I’ve heard of happening at a play party. You extended trust and were totally abused.

    *hugs again* I hope someone is able to get through to Marcus how absolutely not-acceptable his actions were.

    xx Dee

  16. 16
    Nix Says:

    Wow. That’s just so incredibly wrong.
    Here I am, dying to be invited to parties like this, and I know of one already I’d never attend.

    And someone I’d never play with.

    I love playing in what is a really dark place for me…I find it liberating. If my playdate Thursday had done anything like that to me, I’d have been emotionally wrecked.

    You actually let someone push past a limit, and they treated you like that? Not cool.

  17. 17
    desire Says:

    i’m really sorry to hear about this. at the party it didn’t look like anything was wrong, and if i’d seen you were hurting i certainly would have done something to help you, including talking to marcus.

    i won’t make any excuses for his behaviour, which was clearly appalling, but you should really consider writing to him and telling him how his actions affected you. i honestly don’t think he realised how what he did hurt you, and i bet if he did he would apologise profusely.

  18. 18
    BlueLotus Says:

    Oh my.

    After all the years of knowing you.. and seeing how much you’ve grown.. *sigh* I really can’t believe someone would treat you so bad! The way that man behaved is completely non-excusable.

    You should be more careful though. I would never want something bad to happen to you!

    You’re such a kick-ass girl, even if you may be loud.. or different from what people are used to. At least you are true to yourself. That’s really what matters.. isn’t it?

    -Ili

  19. 19
    Cody Says:

    I’m honestly a bit annoyed that many of your friends who are also friends of Marcus, or else unrelentingly attempt to ingratiate themselves with Marcus, have failed to comment.

    Not that I’m surprised.

    However, I am absolutely certain that all of them extended to you their private condolences.

    There is one person in particular who will undoubtedly hear from me.

    I understand that it’s important to stay out of drama. However, as drama is almost unavoidable in everyday human interaction, especially in small societies such as this, I feel it’s necessary to rectify it–one of such ways is to do so publicly.

    If one of my friends acted in a way that I felt was in need of being spoken out and spoken against, I would do so. That does mean that this person is no longer my friend–it instead means that I do not care for his or her action (s).

    I think it’s hypocritical. You know who you are. I don’t even know most of you, but–you know who you are.

    Wendy, I’m sorry. Feel free to give me a call.

    Also–I have left you my actual email address, which I have been meaning to do for some time. I rarely check the other–contact me on this one.

  20. 20
    Wendy Says:

    I noticed that too. I also haven’t heard anything from Marcus himself. I don’t even know if he read this or not. Some friends, like Avah and I, discussed this privately. Others haven’t made their opinions aware to me, but I can understand them not wishing to do so in a public forum. I’m sure I’ll hear about it privately, which I understand.

    Though that one person, we finally spoke about it this weekend and Monday. I had actually not told him in person. He found out three weeks later, when I wrote this. You know he doesn’t like to get involved with drama, but this will invariable come up at some point between the two of them. It can’t not, since I did kind of throw it into a public forum.

    I will call you soon dollface. I’ve been not so hot the past few weeks. Last week I kind of went off my meds, and went batshit crazy Thursday night after two drinks. Then, some xanax. But we need to get together soon. Srsly. I will email you at this address in the AM.

  21. 21
    Wendy Says:

    Ili! I heart you and miss you. When are you coming back to visit? BTW, if you ever still talk to that nice young man in australia, and still plan to run off, I know a nice couple going there too. You could be buddies!

    Hopefully, this will be the worst that has or will happen to me…it wasn’t like he was a stranger. I’d met him before, and he’s good friends of friend of mine. So you know, you assume things.

    Call me sometime!

    Dee - Do I want to know what a fuckrake is?

    Desire - its al good. you were kind of busy at the time, you know, getting rubbed down by a hot bald guy. And I admit, I was more shocked afterwards than upset. The upset didn’t really kick in till late Sunday night/Monday morning. I debated writing him, but honestly, I don’t know what I’d want. I don’t want apologies. An apology won’t make me feel better about my self, or give me back the days I spent catatonic on the couch. And you know, if he didn’t realize doing something like that would be hurtful….well, he ought not to be doing it. He should know better. Obviously no one can know the true magnitude of how something might affect someone (hell, *i* never thought this would upset me so much) but when your playing games with kink, you need to be careful, and he wasn’t. Especially since kink is something I take a hell of a lot more seriously than he does. Its not just a crazy sex thing I do for fun. I feel its an important and I think, integral part of my life. And he made that hurtful. And its been having rather lasting affects. So, an apology won’t really do much for me. He ought to be more thoughtful before acting, rather than apologetic after.

  22. 22
    Cody Says:

    It’s cool–I’ve also been having my own issues, and trying to figure out what’s going on with the guy I’m dating. Ugh.

    Take care of yourself.

  23. 23
    Curvaceous Dee Says:

    Hi Wendy - a FuckRake is this - a virtual tool for using on asshats. When at the ass end or the hat end is up to you …

    xx and hugs, Dee

  24. 24
    Overheard in my apartment | Heart Full Of Black Says:

    [...] a while, but god it’s good to be back. First, I lost my mojo and my desire to write after some bad stuff happened. Then, I was in the process of moving and setting myself up in my new place with Nix [...]

Leave a Reply

Creative Commons License
Heart Full of Black by Wendy Blackheart is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
Steal my stuff, and I'll fuck you up. :)
Global Positioning System Gazettewordpress logo