1) Take off your fucking socks. Seriously. I hate when guys have sock on and try to have sex with me. I hate the way it looks in porn, too. Just take them off, unless you have icky foot problems. If you have an icky foot problem, wait until it clears up before having sex with me.

Most clothing, actually. I like naked sex for the most part, though there are exceptions.

You can, however, leave your hat on. (Especially cowboy hats, and fireman hats.)

Addendum: Take of your watch, too. If you need to check on the time that badly, I do have a bedside alarm clock.

2) Do Not have an S.O. who doesn’t know we’re having sex/seeing each other or isn’t cool with it. I’m a slut, but I’m an ethical one. If you think you can lie to me about the wife/girlfriend/boyfriend/whomever, you’re wrong. I always find out. And when I do find out, it won’t be pretty. I refuse to be a bit on the side. I deserve much better than that. I have selective moral qualms.

3) If you email me, please attempt to write decently. Use full words. If you can’t be bothered to type out the entire three letters of the words ‘you’ ‘one’ and ‘are’, I’m going to assume you’re too lazy to do so. If you’re too lazy to type out a three letter word, I’m going to assume you’re too lazy to put effort into sex. And I won’t have sex with you. I’m not expecting Dante or Shakespeare from ya’ll.

Addendum: If you can’t spell it, you can’t do it. - If you can’t spell the sex act which you want us to engage in, I won’t do it. If you can’t spell the body part you want to see, I won’t show it to you. Honestly. I’ve had emails where the word ‘fuck’ was spelled wrong.

Addendum: Don’t email me if all you want to do is cyber or have phone sex. I have lots of other shit to do, most of which is more fun for me. Like, you know, actually having sex, or reading, or working on my crafts. Shit, cleaning my oven is more fun for me than cybersex with a stranger, ok?

Addendum: Emailing me and asking if you can ‘beat that pussy’ doesn’t cut it. Even if you do ‘et it’. Beating my pussy doesn’t sound in any way appealing. Not even in a kinky way. It sounds rather like something I may have heard on Law and Order: SVU. I don’t like to think about SVU when I’m having sex.

Ok. That’s kind of a lie. Sometimes, I like to think about having sex with Christopher Meloni. But I’m not technically thinking about SVU then. Usually, the setting is The Oswald State Penitentiary. He’s still Det. Stabler, however, and I’ve been very very bad. There are handcuffs involved. Possibly a leather belt.But that is TOTALLY different.

Oh, and Det. Tutuola and Det. Munch. I like them. Ice-T can take me down anyday.

4) Don’t assume that just because I like to do lots of kinky shit, I’m going to let you do kinky shit to me right away. It takes quite some time before I let anyone do kinky shit to me.

5) Don’t assume I want to have a three way with you and your girlfriend. I don’t even like m/f/f three ways all that much. I really hate the assumption that because I’m bisexual, I want to have sex with everyone. No. I’m actually pretty damn picky.

I find it quite funny, actually, that for the most part, I find the men who approach me for these threesomes unappealing, yet find their female partners quite hot. I still have not come up with a polite way of saying ‘Um…no. But can I have your girlfriends number?’

Two males however, may always proposition me, and will *always* be considered. Especially if photos are included, or twins are involved.

6) Photos are awesome. I love ‘em. Especially naked photos of beautiful men and women.
But please don’t send me a photo that is solely of your cock and nothing else. I don’t get that much via the blog, but I’ve noticed its popular on craigslist.

Newsflash guys: We ladies are not quite as visually oriented as ya’ll are. I like sexy pictures. I like porno. But there is a lot more to turning my crank than a cock shot.
You’ll be much better off if you send a nice face and full body shot (naked or otherwise) and perhaps a nice description of what you want to do with/to/for me, or any other woman.

I’ve also noticed that about 90% percent of these cock shots are not anything to write home about. Some are actually rather anti climactic. “Oh. That’s…it? Um. Ok.”

I’m also shallow enough to admit that I want to see all of a person before I consider getting together with them. I’ve already had the experience of looking up and realizing I’m with, in
the words of Dane Cook “A lagoon monster”, ok? I’m being honest here.

Tits, however, are a different story.

7) Don’t offer to replace my strap on with your dick. I can’t fuck other boys with your dick. Seriously. That big purple dick is for me to wear, not to use on myself! I like a man who is a
bigger size queen than I am. You may, however, offer your ass for docking of the strap on.

Or, as I like to call it, ‘The Death Star’

8) If I do agree to meet you, I reserve the right to change my mind about having sex with you. If you don’t like my change of heart, I have no trouble pepper spraying you and calling the police. Yes, I do know how much pepper spray hurts, and if you try to push it, you will too.

9) You keep your thumb where I can see it, buddy.

10) Don’t come in my mouth, or on my face. You may come on my ass or my tits, and pretty much any other body part. Just ask. Or I’ll ask you. ^_^

The only exception to this advice is Jim Morrison. Jim, if you ever come back from hanging around in Africa writing in a tent in the Savannah and riding around on the back of a lion, you can totally wear your socks, assume I want to have a three way with your other girlfriend, do lots of kinky shit right away, and pretty much anything else you want.

Even Mika isn’t an exception. Well, except to the beating my pussy one. And the one about removing clothes. He can leave whatever he wants on, as long as the outfit includes suspenders.

However, if you are not Jim, and trust me, I know you aren’t, then at least try to make an effort.