Cross posted from A Little Bit Less, my blog chronicling my journy through LAP Band weight loss surgery.

So, I had my consult with the surgeon. Everyone is right – he’s brilliant, but he’s got a shitty bedside manor.

Now, in the interest of being honest with my doctors, I tend to reveal all information that may be pertinent. Namely, that I occasionally smoke pot, and that I engage in BDSM.

Apparently, with this doctor, those were shooting up all sorts of red flag. First, he asked about why I like the BDSM, once I explained (in broad terms) what it was.  When it came up that I wasn’t sexually active until relatively late in my life, he kept asking if I was making up for lost time.

As if. While I would have liked to lose my virginity earlier than I did, I made a well thought out decision to wait. I figured I wanted to know what I was doing first. You know, being all responsible and smart and stuff.

Then, he questioned my motivations for weight loss surgery. He seemed to think that I might be interested in it in order to continue with BDSM ‘better’.

For fucks sake. First of all, I think I’m pretty hot, ok? And plenty of other people do as well. Shit, its documented! I have no problem getting dates, getting laid, or having nice boys buy me drinks when I’m out and dressed up. I carry my weight pretty well. Most of the people I told were surprised to realize I was well over 200lbs. Well over. I have curves, an awesome ass, and a decent set of tits. I have a pretty face and nice hair.

And most importantly, I think I’m a pretty cool person. I’m throwing modesty to the wind and saying goddamn it, I’m pretty awesome. I have a ton of cool friends, I’ve done lots of interesting stuff with my life (uh, funeral director anyone?), I’ve done stuff that some people only dream of doing. I think I’m pretty funny. I have decent tastes in music, movies, and comedy.

People like me for ME. ME! Who I am, not what I look like. Yes, of course there are people who like how I look as well, for a variety of reason.  One person told me I exuded sexuality, and he thought that was cool.  Other people like me BECAUSE of how I look. I’m sure there are people who will be very sad if my ass goes away! Some people dig me because I’m fat. Some dig me because I’m cool. Whatever. There are a hundred thousand little things about a person that make up why you like them.

In fact, the BDSM/Sexpos scenes are one of the few places that I’ve come across where I’ve found that who I am is more important that what I look like. It doesn’t matter if I’m not the larger society’s physical ideal.  I’ve found that in kink, its about who you are. Are you nice? Respectful? Knowledgeable? Interested in learning? Are you a good person? These things are more important than my waist measurement.

Hell, my size has come in handy! When raffle tickets can be bought by the circumference, like at Leather Pride Night, I win shit!

I was really upset when the doctor implied that I might want this surgery to fit into some ideal because of kink. It was as if he was saying ‘Of course you want it to look better. Of course you want it to improve your kinky lifestyle. Why would anyone like you the way you are now? You are fat and gross and have no merit aside from your looks, you silly female.’

Granted, that might not be what he was thinking or implying, but that’s sure what it felt like. He also kept going on about changing my ‘lifestyle’ as if all I do is drink, smoke, smoke up and have kinky sex.

I drink, at best, what, 2 drinks at Pleasure Salon? All month. Sometimes, I’ll have a drink with friends. So… four drinks a month, and the rare half glass of wine at home with dinner? I smoke pot *maybe* once a month, and that is being generous. More likely, every two or three months. Yes, I smoke tobacco more than I should and it is a post surgical risk. I’m working on quitting before hand. Really. Finished my last pack a week ago. I’ve been bumming maybe two a day, but I’m trying to cut down on that. Kink shouldn’t even be an issue. I just wanted to know about the port which will be left to adjust the band – will fire be out? A flogging? Should I not wrestle? Or learn a martial art? Other than that, I ought not have to explain my self to a doctor. My GP might think I’m a slutty weirdo, but at least she keeps it to herself and doesn’t bat an eye when I ask her something offbeat.

If he weren’t a)One of the best goddamn laproscopic bariatric surgeons in the country in one of the best programs in the country, b)local and c)part of my insurance program I’d totally have found someone else. But he’s too good. I’m not going to take my health out of the hands of the best because of an implied slight.

I think that might be why I’ve been feeling so off the past couple days. I think it made me feel icky, and that’s why my libido went bye-bye when I was at Nathan’s. I had been so excited to see him, hang out, and play, I saw the doctor the day before, and then boom, no more libido. A general feeling of ickiness in my own body.

So let me clear the record. I’m NOT doing this because I want to fit in better. I’m not doing it so I can look like a fetish model, or anyone else.

I’m doing this because I’m very unhealthy, and nothing I’ve done has worked. Because I want to stop falling and hurting my ankles. To make it up a flight of stairs with out being out of breath.  To not have random chest pains, and so my knees won’t hurt.  So I don’t get Type 2 Diabetes. So I can do all sorts of stuff.

And this isn’t to say everyone should lose weight. I’m all about fat pride! I know tons of fat, sexy, women who are full of awesome and you know what? Fucking power to them. I am one! Yeah, we all have our weird body issues, fat and skinny alike. We all do. But size doesn’t preclude you to being teh sexy. If someone is happy with themselves, no matter who they are, I think that is the most amazing thing in the world.

But really, it comes down to health. I’m fat, sexy and awesome, but I’m not healthy, not at all.  If I were, I wouldn’t even be considering this. My health comes first, before anything. It has too, or I have nothing. I don’t want to get sick, or die earlier than I should. I need to fix this now, while I can, while it isn’t quite as bad, so I can keep on keepin’ on.

And lets throw some super honesty in. I’m excited about being able to wear high heels again. (I haven’t been able to wear them for the past 60lbs or so. I’m too off balance with weak ankles. They don’t hold me up.) It will be nice to be able to borrow clothes from my mother again. It’ll be great that my boobs might go down a bit (I know they’re only large B’s, but I liked them when they were A’s!). I’d really like to not knock stuff over with my butt. I think these are fair and valid feelings. But they still don’t take away from the fact that I am unhealthy and need help.

So there, doctor Jerk face!