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Hiatus

December 15th, 2007 · 29 Comments

I’m going on a semi hiatus, I think.

Everything has been a mess.

I’ve spoken to my therapist, and she diagnosed me as having Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from what Marcus did to me. We’re going to start EMDR treatments after Christmas

At this point, I’m too much of an emotional wreck to do much of anything. I’m afraid to socialize in large groups. My libido is going crazy. Its gone one day, its raging the next.

I keep having terrible dreams.

I can’t write about sex. Or much of anything.

I need my mojo back. My self confidence. My ability to socialize. He took it all away, everything that I worked so hard to get, took me ages. Now, even with my medication, I’m having trouble functioning.

I’ll be posting little updates when I can, stories if I can write them, and other things. But it might be sparse for a while.

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Tags: depression · dreams · health · life · my life · thoughts · writing

29 responses so far ↓

  • 1 MsBehavn // Dec 15, 2007 at 3:40 am

    Oh honey, I’m so sorry that this has hit you so hard. Take all the time you need to heal. We’ll be here when you find your feet again

    *hugs*

  • 2 axe // Dec 15, 2007 at 10:28 am

    I’m so sorry.

    Please let me know if you need someone to talk to.

  • 3 Jefferson // Dec 15, 2007 at 1:15 pm

    It’s really, really good that you are seeing the therapist. We’re here for you.

    (PS . . . Mika, two dot two.)

  • 4 TheVoyeur // Dec 15, 2007 at 1:38 pm

    Sorry to hear about your diagnosis. I was there, at that party. I saw you on the bed, and I saw Marcus standing next to you. There were about ten other people in that room then. In your account, you make it sound like you were really abandoned by him, but I have to say, that was not the case. I like you, Wendy, and I like him, too. I have been to several of his parties, and you know what? He is always complaining about having to stop playing with someone to answer the door. Marcus hates when people come past the time he requests, but he still lets them in. I even heard him mumble something about being frustrated to have to get the door when he walked away from you on the bed, leaving you in Avah’s hands.

    The interesting thing to me is that in these writings of yours, it seems you never really confronted him on this. Instead, you chose to handle this is a very public way. You really did not give him a chance to respond to you. Now, it seems, there is no space for him to get a word in. You have successfully made him out to be a monster.

    On another note, it seems to me like you have several issues going on in your life. I read about your history of self-injury, cuttings and scarification, you going off your meds, you getting “ridiculously drunk,” you falling at Desire’s place. You take Xanax and Rozerem, you cry hysterically, you throw up, you feel all alone, you don’t sleep, you don’t eat, you stare off in space, you can’t concentrate. You have headaches, you are depressed and anxious, you’ve lost your self worth, you can’t interact with people, you are snippy, you are uncomfortable in your body, you are having terrible dreams, you hyperventilate and have panic attacks, you feel that you are “not all that important to people.”

    I think it is interesting that you peg all this to one person.

    In defense of Marcus: Marcus did what you told him (“I said… he could could put something over my mouth.”), he played with some duct tape since you seemed up for that (although I do not remember him wrapping it around your hair, even once! Getting it out RIPS your hair and you would be blogging about that pain and loss - trust me, I know) and then he split to get the door, leaving you with Avah, who was (important to note) playing with you AT THE SAME TIME.

    As you admitted, you WERE bring punitive. But I think your issues go way back, way beyond this incident.

    Wendy, I wish you luck in healing yourself.

  • 5 jeff // Dec 15, 2007 at 1:46 pm

    Wendy, I’ve been reading your posts ever since the party and felt it’s time to clarify the story. For the record, Marcus did not tie you up and leave you by yourself. In fact, Wendy, there were a number of people around you who untied you when Marcus had to answer the door in the middle of your play, that YOU initiated. He had to answer the FUCKIN’ DOOR, Wendy! You’re being a bit overdramatic and I’m not certain what your motivation is for this public smear. If you had an issue with Marcus why couldn’t you be mature enough to confront him directly instead of using cowardly tactics such as going behind his back with the gossip mongers and using smear tactics on your post. What is this Wendy, Junior High School? I’m disappointed because I really thought you were cool but this display of immaturity and maliciousness is despicable.

  • 6 Wendy // Dec 15, 2007 at 2:08 pm

    Jeff, let me address this point by point - *Avah* was around me, and untied me when Marcus left. I never initiated play with Marcus. He said he had something planned for me. Quite frankly, I wouldn’t initiate play with Marcus. I thought he was nice, but I had no particular interest in him, and I didn’t think he had any interest in me. I, while tied up, did not know he was going to answer the door. It would have been nice if he had mentioned that to me, since as the top in this situation, he was the one responsible.
    I never initiated a public ’smear’. I wrote what happened to me, how it happened, and how it affected me and made me feel.
    I didn’t care to confront Marcus, because quite frankly, his ego is so massive, I didn’t feel it would have done me any good. And honestly, a public blog his hardly ‘behind’ his back. Everyone knows where to find me.

    And Jeff, trust me. This isn’t maliciousness. You’ve never seen maliciousness from me.

  • 7 Wendy // Dec 15, 2007 at 2:46 pm

    As I said in my response to Jeff, if he had to go leave to answer the door, a good person to mention this too would be you know, the person tied up and gagged on the bed. I was tied up and felt left alone in a roomful of strangers. That Avah was there was pure luck, because Avah and I don’t normally stay together at parties. Aside from the now and then fisting, we don’t play with each other. She was there as an observer, not as part of the scene.

    I have made no one out to be a monster. I wrote my account of events, as impartially as I could. He’s free to write his own. People have read, and made their own opinions based on his actions. He’s free to write his own account. We’re both bloggers.

    Now, let me go point by point through your listing of my ‘issues.’
    There is no history of scarification. I do not do any scenes with scarification, because I feel that would trigger me back into self-injury. I have been cutting free since Mid-April 2003.
    The reason I fell off my meds, in this instance, was because I have been very upset since this all happened. It was once week, and the reason I was “ridiculously drunk” was because I was off them, and off balanced. I can bring you several people who were there that night. I drank one and a half amaretto sours. The reason I spoke of being ridiculously drunk was because normally, two drinks doesn’t do that too me. I’m no light weight, but I’m not alcoholic either. Two drinks is normally pleasantly buzzed, not falling over crying.
    When I fell at Desire’s place, it was your basic accident. Slippery floor, slipper socks, and playing with a cat. I’m also rather clutzy. I have sprained my ankle several times during this year. I have always been this clutzy, since I was a child.

    While I am prescribed Xanax by my psychiatrist, I generally only take it during a panic attack, and during the after affects of a panic attack, to keep me calm. Thats what its for. In the year I’ve been prescribed it, I’ve very rarely had to use it, as my daily medication generally keeps panic attacks down.
    As for Rozerem - I’ve had the same bottle of 30 pills for the past two years. I’ve taken about 8 of them. They are a non-narcotic sleep aid. Would it be different if I said it was tylenol PM?

    I admit that in my past, I have been mentally ill. I have a chemical imbalance that sadly took a long time to diagnose, due to rather old fashioned parents who didn’t believe in psychiatry. For over a year now, I have been successfully balanced out by medication, so that I lead a normal life. I have my ups and downs.

    The part where you pointed out “you cry hysterically, you throw up, you feel all alone, you don’t sleep, you don’t eat, you stare off in space, you can’t concentrate. You have headaches, you are depressed and anxious, you’ve lost your self worth, you can’t interact with people, you are snippy, you are uncomfortable in your body, you are having terrible dreams, you hyperventilate and have panic attacks, you feel that you are “not all that important to people.””
    Yes, you see, that IS rather all related to Marcus and what happened at the party. Because before then, I’d been sleeping, eating, concentrating, going to school, had all sorts of the awesome self worth and ablility to interact with people, and all that good stuff. Suddenly, after this one incident, it was gone.
    Its called traumatic stress. (My therapist says PTSD, but I think that diagnosis is a bit much, really. I was not under immediate threat of death, nor physical harm, nor did I see anyone die. Traumatic stress, while very similar, is to a slightly lesser degree) For over a month now, this has been affecting me.

    Ok, maybe I can absolve him of the headaches - I’ve always had headaches and migraines. A recent MRI says my brain is all normal and healthy, so those are probably just hormonal. But Marcus can’t be blamed for what my Endocrine system does to me.

    However, all these other symptoms? They began to manifest the day I returned home, and began to process my weekend. And yes, I was taking my medicine the entire time. I even took it that night before bed, and for the next several weeks. The last week of November, however, I had been brought down to a low place, so forgive me for forgetting my medication. Unfortunately, it happens, though now my friends will sometimes remind me, just in case. Trust me, I don’t like being off the med either.

    True me, darling, I know too. If you think it wasn’t wrapped around my hair, go ask Avah. She was the one who took it off. (Also, while duct tape is sometimes painful to remove from hair…I’m a women. I regularly have sticky things put on my body and ripped off, and it doesn’t hurt all that much after a while, no matter where it is. Yes, even duct tape.)
    And darling, important to note, Avah was not playing with me at the same time. She was standing by and watching, because she too was surprised,and interested, at Marcus’s never before shown interest in me.
    Again, go check with her. We don’t play. Period. Sometimes, I fist her, since she’s my friend, my hands are small, and sometimes, you need a fist up in you. But we NEVER play, kinky other wise. You might want to note that Avah is exclusively a bottom. Avah was kind enough to interject herself and check on me because she knows me very well, and knew I was starting to get upset. At parties in unfamiliar territory, we look out for each other.
    Yes, I said he could put something over my mouth. As long as I was able to move it my self if I needed too. Gags of all sorts are a hard limit of mine. The first piece of duct tape, just over my mouth from cheek to cheek was fine. The next ones wrapped around, were not.

    I admitted that PART of my desire to post was punitive. Most mostly, it was to deal with it through my writing.

    In summation, yes. I have issues. But, these issues have been dealt with. I am healthily, properly medicated, and between that and therapy, I have been living a normal, healthy, life. (If you want proof of that, check with Franklin. He knew me before I got help, and afterwards.) My issues stemmed from a chemical imbalance in my brain, not from psychological trauma.

    Yes, there are bumps along the road. Just because I’m medicated and have dealt with say, my OCD and anxiety doesn’t mean that sometimes I won’t still get depressed now and then. Sometimes, you get depressed. I lost my job in July. I was depressed after that. Then I ate some ice cream, bitched out my former boss to my BFF, and went back to school. Thats normal.

    The reaction I had after this incident in D.C.? Not normal. Thats not even my normal reaction to a scene gone bad in general. It has been a reaction to, what was to me, a traumatic, upsetting event. Not a normal bump in the road.

  • 8 Elizabeth // Dec 15, 2007 at 4:07 pm

    So Cookie told me about this post and about how people were saying that you lied. Which of course is completely ridiculous. I was all ready to get on here and defend you but you have done such a good job that all I am going to say is “What she said.” ::points at Wendy::

    Feel better!! I’ll be there soon with plenty of twizzlers and peanut butter m&m’s. In fact, if any of you are reading this you should bring those to her because I’m too far away.

  • 9 Molly // Dec 15, 2007 at 6:09 pm

    Wendy

    I’ve read the series of posts and comments about the experience and fall out from Marcus’ party you went to in November. I am sorry about the impact this has had on you, I remember you told the story at The Pleasure Salon in NYC but I didn’t realise at that time the level of pain it has caused you.

    I have just spent a week in DC staying with Marcus and attended his December party while I was there. There was talk about what happened to you at the November party and what you have subsequently written about. Many of the people at the party I went to said they were on the bed with you at the November party and they were surprised at how you experienced it so differently to how they did.

    Apart from Dark Odyssey, I’ve never been to a sex party. So Marcus’ December party was my first. That night I saw Marcus play with lots of people and I saw him walk away from a few of them too - mainly because his phone was often ringing with people downstairs trying to get in (the last people arrived after 11pm, even though Marcus tells people to arrive sharply on time he still goes and lets them in rather than ignore their call).

    At one point, Marcus was playing with Cassy on the bed, she was restrained and he just starting fucking her when his phone beeped and he had to leave to let someone in. I dont think he ever returned to that scene… others stepped in while he was gone and then he was busy introducing newcomers in the kitchen and then started something else.

    What I noticed was it takes a huge amount of effort and energy to create a party environment and for the person having the party to be able to play they need to switch off entirely from “host” role which is not going to happen while people are still arriving. And possibly not going to happen at all. So from what I understand the night Marcus was restraining you, this was a problem. He was half partygoer half host and left to let someone in. And didn’t come back.

    I know that your perception is your reality Wendy and I am not denying the effect this has had on you or the work you have to do now. Marcus was clearly unaware of the level of buy-in to the “scene” that was happening and that is hard to accept if you are left feeling abandoned and rejected and left alone. But it can’t be blamed on Marcus the way it is. I agree with you that the fact he was going to answer the door should have been told to you - it is something others on the bed feel was said but obviously you did not get that piece of information which is a big contributing factor to this whole thing. Noone I spoke to who had been at the party in DC thinks you are not telling the truth as you experienced it, and they want you to heal well, but they feel Marcus is being portrayed as someone he is not.

    They say Marcus had to let someone in and didnt come back. He is responsible at a party for making sure everyone is in the house and the party is right … what I saw in DC was he cares about that - I saw him preparing most of the day - the music, shopping, getting the place ready with supplies, emailing everyone, planning how to create an inclusive scene for one person who wasn’t able to play that night but wanted to come. He seemed to me to really care about creating the right party atmosphere. So at his parties, his head is everywhere and not in one particular scene - maybe not until late in the night (if ever).

    I played with lots of different people at the party I went to and sometimes I would get distracted by someone and turn from the person I was playing with and start something else - but not with the intention that they would feel rejected or abandoned. From what I saw, that is what happens at these parties. I am new to this scene, I have played in BDSM scenes with partners and the play I’ve done has always been discussed in advance and negotiated in detail - while what we do goes to extreme limits, it has all been negotiated in advance. From what I know about Marcus, he doesnt seem to me to be someone who plays like that. I have played with him now a few times but I have never negotiated anything with him in advance at all and I seriously have wondered sometimes how I have got into such helpless situations with him without any agreement or without him truly knowing what I want.

    But that’s the way Marcus plays and everyone at Camp (where I met him) seemed to know that, and I think pretty much everyone who plays with him knows that is how he is - and I mean that’s how he is both as a bottom and a top… I have also topped Marcus knowing nothing about what he wants either…but still gone with it.

    So there are lots of factors going on here. Marcus didnt play the scene the way you expected, wanted or are used to. Marcus was hosting the party. Lots of other people were on the bed and Avah was there too so Marcus didn’t see it as abandoning the scene as you saw it.

    But in the end none of this is worth too much, everyone can argue about their individual perception forever. what matters is that you need to repair this damage, and it will not happen by blaming Marcus.

    Marcus has a powerful presence and he can be a very frustrating person. Sometimes he is really unaware of his impact I think. There are people reading this who Marcus has probably driven insane with the very Marcus-ness that they also love. And it’s a statistic I am sure he would be surprised by… Number of People Who Have Been Driven Mad by Marcus’ Marcus-ness (probably a four figure number). But while he is frustrating, in this series of posts and comments he has been written about as a mean and spiteful character that he is not. In my experience Marcus plays scary but he is trustworthy.

    Aside from the party, what I saw of Marcus the week I stayed with him was someone who spends lots of his life caring about other people’s enjoyment - I saw someone looking after his kids, someone on the non-kid days whoring himself out to people of all different ages and sizes fulfilling their wishes, kinks and desires. Marcus’ working life is about giving people the pleasure they pay for, and he does that also in the parties and in other things too. What I saw is that Marcus rarely lets go and allows himself to receive pleasure. Its a funny thing - many people have said to me that “With Marcus, it’s all about Marcus” and its easy to think that because of his confidence and personality and overwhelming presence and apparent nonchalant attitude, but as I observed his life for a week in DC I ended up thinking the opposite.

    For me, my first sex party was quite extreme and I played lots. It was all good but afterwards I felt exposed and a bit sad and vulnerable. So I can only imagine the impact of something of the nature of what you feel happened with you Wendy. I can see there are lots of people here in this discussion who will support you and help you through this.

    I wish you luck in your work on this Wendy and I hope you can get to a place of peace about it. maybe part of that process also means taking it offline and speaking with Marcus.

    love Molly
    xxx

  • 10 TheVoyeur // Dec 15, 2007 at 8:30 pm

    Wendy, you sound very defensive. Not at all willing to consider there is another side. I feel sorry for you, but I must say, Marcus strikes me as the real victim here. And still, there is no room for him in your verbosity. Good luck in your journey. I think it is too filled with drama for me to continue reading. Therefore, I will beg off from your blog now.

  • 11 Curvaceous Dee // Dec 15, 2007 at 8:37 pm

    *hugs* You’re dealing with something that impacted you mightily, and I respect you strongly for your work facing with and overcoming it. I shall be thinking of you.

    xx Dee

  • 12 Wendy // Dec 15, 2007 at 10:18 pm

    Voyeur, I’m not being defensive. I individually address your points, and explained myself as I saw fit. You also have to realize this *is* a blog. My after the fact processing goes here, not the process by which I reach my opinions. I have, IRL discussions, considered various sides of the story.
    You say my journey is ‘too filed with drama’ for you. I have never had a situation before this that any would call ‘dramatic’. And as I’ve said before, as this affects my sex life, I have written about it. If you noticed, I have also gone on posting hiatus, because I feel I am unable to write about anything else at the moment, and don’t wish to continue writing about this.
    You can beg off if you like. I really don’t give a shit. You weren’t noticed previously, nor will you be missed.

  • 13 Wendy // Dec 15, 2007 at 11:14 pm

    “I have just spent a week in DC staying with Marcus and attended his December party while I was there. There was talk about what happened to you at the November party and what you have subsequently written about. Many of the people at the party I went to said they were on the bed with you at the November party and they were surprised at how you experienced it so differently to how they did.”

    I’m surprised they’re surprised. Sex, kinky, and play are subjective to everyone. I would presume to even think I know how they would consider something.

    “Apart from Dark Odyssey, I’ve never been to a sex party. So Marcus’ December party was my first. That night I saw Marcus play with lots of people and I saw him walk away from a few of them too - mainly because his phone was often ringing with people downstairs trying to get in (the last people arrived after 11pm, even though Marcus tells people to arrive sharply on time he still goes and lets them in rather than ignore their call).”

    At one point, Marcus was playing with Cassy on the bed, she was restrained and he just starting fucking her when his phone beeped and he had to leave to let someone in. I dont think he ever returned to that scene… others stepped in while he was gone and then he was busy introducing newcomers in the kitchen and then started something else.

    I have been to sex parties, many times, and run by (2) different people, aside from Marcus. While yes, people wander away and go to other places and such while there, I’ve never see, nor been involved with anyone leave someone, for any reason, during something like that.
    While the host of a party does have responsibilities,depending on how they set things up, that doesn’t give them carte blanche for bad behavior.
    And I’m sorry, but fuck Cassy. I’m not her. Whats ok for her isn’t ok for me. If he left me tied on the bed like that, I’d be upset too. For me, giving over the level of trust required for someone too tie me up precludes being left alone, for any reason,by that person while bound, unless it was previously agreed upon.

    “I know that your perception is your reality Wendy and I am not denying the effect this has had on you or the work you have to do now. Marcus was clearly unaware of the level of buy-in to the “scene” that was happening and that is hard to accept if you are left feeling abandoned and rejected and left alone. But it can’t be blamed on Marcus the way it is. I agree with you that the fact he was going to answer the door should have been told to you - it is something others on the bed feel was said but obviously you did not get that piece of information which is a big contributing factor to this whole thing. Noone I spoke to who had been at the party in DC thinks you are not telling the truth as you experienced it, and they want you to heal well, but they feel Marcus is being portrayed as someone he is not.”

    That someone can initiate play like this, and not be aware of the other persons buy in is horrible. I had already stated, (actually, it was stated for me,because I was too upset at the sight of a ball gag being brought towards me) that gagging was a hard limit that was difficult for me. I have written Marcus as I perceived him in this situation. If he didn’t want to be described as a fucktard, he shouldn’t have acted like one and been responsible.

    “They say Marcus had to let someone in and didnt come back. He is responsible at a party for making sure everyone is in the house and the party is right … what I saw in DC was he cares about that - I saw him preparing most of the day - the music, shopping, getting the place ready with supplies, emailing everyone, planning how to create an inclusive scene for one person who wasn’t able to play that night but wanted to come. He seemed to me to really care about creating the right party atmosphere. So at his parties, his head is everywhere and not in one particular scene - maybe not until late in the night (if ever).”

    If that is so, if he cared about his guest, then he shouldn’t engage in play that requires his full attention if he can’t give that - like any kinky scene, especially one with a known edge.

    “I played with lots of different people at the party I went to and sometimes I would get distracted by someone and turn from the person I was playing with and start something else - but not with the intention that they would feel rejected or abandoned. From what I saw, that is what happens at these parties. I am new to this scene, I have played in BDSM scenes with partners and the play I’ve done has always been discussed in advance and negotiated in detail - while what we do goes to extreme limits, it has all been negotiated in advance. From what I know about Marcus, he doesnt seem to me to be someone who plays like that. I have played with him now a few times but I have never negotiated anything with him in advance at all and I seriously have wondered sometimes how I have got into such helpless situations with him without any agreement or without him truly knowing what I want.”
    Thats well and good for you, but I normally don’t play like that. I want my partner to know and respect my limits, not use them to create undue fear in me. If he can’t handle the basic responsibilies of bdsm in a party environment, he ought to leave them to where he can.

    “So there are lots of factors going on here. Marcus didnt play the scene the way you expected, wanted or are used to. Marcus was hosting the party. Lots of other people were on the bed and Avah was there too so Marcus didn’t see it as abandoning the scene as you saw it.”

    “Listen, there could have been a roomful of people and a camera crew, and I would have felt the same way. I was in a roomful of people I hardly knew and don’t really trust, tied up, gagged, and confused and upset. Avah was there as a watcher, not as a participant, and good thing she was too, because no one else seemed to realize I was upset,nor did anyone else ask, or check on me.

    “Marcus has a powerful presence and he can be a very frustrating person. Sometimes he is really unaware of his impact I think. There are people reading this who Marcus has probably driven insane with the very Marcus-ness that they also love. And it’s a statistic I am sure he would be surprised by… Number of People Who Have Been Driven Mad by Marcus’ Marcus-ness (probably a four figure number). But while he is frustrating, in this series of posts and comments he has been written about as a mean and spiteful character that he is not. In my experience Marcus plays scary but he is trustworthy.”

    I write what I experience. If he didn’t want to be written as mean and spiteful, he shouldn’t have acted in such a way. And trustworthy? I extended trust, and this is what happens to me? A hard limit pushed beyond what any reasonable person would have done, especially not without knowing me first. Maybe I shouldn’t have extended that trust to him. I learned my lesson about trusting based on friendships with other.

    “For me, my first sex party was quite extreme and I played lots. It was all good but afterwards I felt exposed and a bit sad and vulnerable. So I can only imagine the impact of something of the nature of what you feel happened with you Wendy. I can see there are lots of people here in this discussion who will support you and help you through this.”
    Not what I feel happened. What did happen. Regardless of how anyone else feels, this did happen to me.

    “I wish you luck in your work on this Wendy and I hope you can get to a place of peace about it. maybe part of that process also means taking it offline and speaking with Marcus.”

    As of now, it has been taken off line. That is why I’m taking a hiatus. But I don’t particularly wish to talk to marcus.

  • 14 Tilda // Dec 16, 2007 at 12:24 am

    Take care of yourself, sweetie. Good luck with the healing, physically and emotionally. My thoughts are with you.

  • 15 JC // Dec 16, 2007 at 2:05 am

    What does it say about you that instead of dealing with your situation like an adult you broadcast it in your online diary. You become hurt and defensive and you painstakingly pinpoint each piece of anyone elses argument in hopes of assuaging the public to believe and side with you. Its not about taking sides. Hello, you are dealing with a known entity of unpredictability and explosiveness. If you are going to engage in cagey shit, you best be ready to deal with what comes with it. And when you clearly can’t maybe its a clue to you that you’re in over your head in general and need to re-evaluate.

  • 16 Wendy // Dec 16, 2007 at 8:31 am

    If, when you speak of a ‘known entity of unpredictability and explosiveness’ you are speaking of Marcus - I didn’t know that side of him.

    If when you say that, you mean kink (which is what you seem to mean when you say ‘cagey shit’) than I thank you to get your nose out of my business. I’ve been playing with kink and bdsm for several years, though I’ve only been active in the public scene recently. I have hit bumps across the way, both others, and mine, and have dealt with them as they came. There are always risks, of course, but when all the people involved in a scene are responsible, they’re minimized. I accept the risks, but there’s a difference between a scene gone wrong, and fucktardery.

  • 17 Voluptuairy // Dec 16, 2007 at 11:21 pm

    I am appalled at all the people that are making excuses for a TOP who routinely ties up a bottom and engages them in play and just walks away from them without making sure that they are in a safe environment and taken care of nor goes back and checks on them if they are called away for something urgent. That is extreme negligence on the tops part. For the people to say that he is a victim when he has a bottom tied up and gagged unable to communicate their safety and does not make sure they are taken care of, monitored or released is unbelievable.

    For each of you to make excuses for this human being makes me wonder what would have occurred if there was a medical situation that occurred or the need for medical attention. You probably would have all turned a blind eye in that regards too.

  • 18 Franklin // Dec 18, 2007 at 12:11 am

    Disclaimer: I don’t blog. I’m not familiar with blogging etiquette and I’m basically ignorant as to the rules of this game.

    If there are any rules.

    Wendy will attest that I almost never post publicly, and I can count the number of blogs I read on one hand.

    But this mess has enraged me to the point that I can’t be silent.

    Regarding what-happened-to-Wendy-in-DC, the exact sequence of events doesn’t concern me, because…

    It Doesn’t Matter!

    Wendy’s thoughts and feelings do not make up a police report. They are not evidence in court. They are simply thoughts and feelings.

    She never asked anyone to take sides on this issue. She expressed anger, sadness, rage, bitterness and depression, but her blog should be a safe space for these feelings — not a battle ground.

    Wendy reached out to her community, and the majority of her trusted friends and lovers responded with support. Some of them are friends with Marcus and some have never met him in their lives (myself included).

    I am truly grateful that she has such a wide net of love and support out there in cyberspace.

    But I am also truly disturbed at the people who choose to exploit her vulnerability and launch personal attacks.

    To those who feel the need to target any supposed weak spots in her story and blast her over the Internet:

    Look at the big picture. Regardless of your personal loyalties, respect that Wendy is going through a difficult time and either back off or let her know that you’re sorry to hear that she’s going through a rough patch.

    It doesn’t matter if you think Wendy is bonkers and dreamt up the whole thing.

    Be a compassionate human being.

    To those who say that Wendy is out of her gourd because she has mental problems:

    We all have mental problems. We all had crappy childhoods. Sorry, but I can’t think of anyone in the BDSM scene who isn’t working out their shit — or dealing with one of those nifty pre-existing conditions like depression, anxiety, ADD, OCD, panic attacks, insomnia and the like.

    And most importantly, to those who believe that Wendy should have expected this scenario because she got involved with a serious SM player:

    This has disturbing resonances of rape victims who are blamed by their friends and family for the assault.

    Obviously nobody was raped here, but the excuses ring the same.

    “…they were surprised at how you experienced it so differently to how they did.”

    “But that’s the way Marcus plays and everyone at Camp (where I met him) seemed to know that…”

    “I feel sorry for you, but I must say, Marcus strikes me as the real victim here.”

    “If you are going to engage in cagey shit, you best be ready to deal with what comes with it. ”

    What should come with it? Certainly not what Wendy is feeling.

    Nobody ever deserves to feel this way, and nobody ever deserves to have their sense of safety and security taken away. Intentionally or not.

    Wendy is one of my dearest friends, and I love and care about her very much.

  • 19 Jocasta // Dec 19, 2007 at 1:13 am

    I cannot believe how out of control this whole thing has gotten. Wendy, Darling you hit what we call a Landmine. I have stepped on a few in my day. The first time, however, can really rip you to shreds.

    First of all, a Landmine can occur at any time. The problem with playing with someone you’re not close with leaves you with no aftercare, no where to go to find emotional solid ground. I’ve done some edgy shit and even with a dedicated partner it took some time to resolve the emotional issues that were churned up.

    I don’t know that Marcus intentionally meant to hurt you. Can we assume for the moment that he didn’t? That he was just being Marcus? I find him to be wild from my experiences in the cabin at camp. I doubt I would allow him to be in charge of my well-being. I’m much too sensitive a bottom and I have issues with any play that deals with abandonment or objectification. That said, when I’m bottoming, I consider it my responsibility as to who I chose to play with and what is discussed beforehand. Wendy, just please take some responsibility for the fact that you made a bad decison. Learn from this.

    I’ve been doing this stuff for years and I’m still figuring myself out. Emotional overload can hit when you least expect it. It’s a journey; a sexual, emotional, sensory expedition.

    Work on yourself, heal. Get better, I know you can do it. Be glad that you were not physically injured or harmed. I know emotional scarring can be just as painful. I’m into serious rope bondage. I know the saftety issues. While his actions go against my personal ethics I think the responsibility for the situation is 50/50.

  • 20 IKnowYouFromHisParty // Dec 19, 2007 at 1:47 pm

    Do you know that Marcus deliberated on having you come to his first party, because you do not fit the profile of a typical partygoer? Do you know that people complained about you being there at that first party, and because of you, demanded their donation back, and insulted you at length to him - some really rude comments?

    Of course you don’t. Because Marcus never told you any of that. He didn’t want to hurt your feelings.

    Then, for the second party, he deliberated again. I know, because he confided in me; he didn’t mind you being there, but he really felt it was false advertising of a sort, if other partygoers were expecting to see “in shape” people. I was careful not to give him advice either way, and in the end he chose to let you come again.

    You assume so much is wrong here, and yet you do not know the full story. I talked with Marcus after someone else told me that you had some mean posts up about him, and I told him what was going on. You write that you won’t be coming back to parties, but after all this, he has decided you are not welcome at his parties anyway.

    In these posts, you are coming across as a total evil lunatic. Is that what you really want people to think of you?

  • 21 marcus // Dec 19, 2007 at 5:24 pm

    thank you, Jocasta, for the perspective. thank you, IKnowYouFromHisParty, for trying to explain this.

    Wendy: i had no idea you felt this way until you wrote all this stuff on your blog, weeks after it happened. wouldn’t it have been better if you had communicated with me directly?

  • 22 Wendy // Dec 19, 2007 at 7:44 pm

    Et tu, marcus? If you had a problem with me attending your parties, wouldn’t it have been better to communicate that to me directly, rather than in the fashion you chose?

  • 23 Lisa // Dec 20, 2007 at 12:57 am

    Is this right?

    Some people who didn’t know Wendy complained that she was at the party because she didn’t fit some profile. She was there with friends, but they complained and wanted money back because she’s not “in shape.”

    They sound like real assholes. So does Marcus for even deliberating on inviting someone to be at a party with friends.

  • 24 Someone Else Who's Attended the Parties // Dec 20, 2007 at 2:13 am

    If I’m going to be judged and treated as a person for sale at these parties, then I should be getting a cut of this donation!

    Whore to whore, Marcus, if you’re charging men for admittance and then promising them a certain caliber of women (or men), then you’re essentially running a whore house, yet without giving the girls their fair share.

    So shame on you. We’re not sex workers and shouldn’t be under the same scrutiny- least of all from our friends! (Or I guess not friends as the case seems to be). The fact that you place more value on the opinion of some strangers over the feelings of a supposed friend is appalling. (Or if Wendy never was your friend, she was at least a friend of a friend!) Why would you want insensitive dolts like that at your party anyways?

    Oh wait, because they’re just like you?

  • 25 marcus // Dec 20, 2007 at 10:58 am

    Wendy, although i did deliberate about you coming, ultimately i didn’t have a problem with you attending parties.

    the first time you pretty much TOLD me you were coming (you didn’t exactly ask - re-read the email you sent me), and i figured, ok, what the heck, you seemed kinda cool in sex camp. true, once you attended, i found you to be the “noisy girl,” but that wasn’t enough to kick you out of the parties. i did communicate that part to you (in the party report, without naming you directly) but in terms of you attending future parties, i felt your personality overrode your sex-chattiness.

    for the second party, although i had previously had complaints from others, i decided to give you another shot, and see how you went over - with a different crowd of people. this was my own decision, and i didn’t think i needed to communicate how i got to it, with you directly.

    it is your own (mis)perception that i didn’t want you to come, and your own (mis)perception that i demonstrated such a feeling in the way that you felt so wronged. bottom lines, Wendy:
    - you started the party being “tired and cranky,” which may not have been the best platform for play.
    - i went to get the door, and left you in the VERY COMPETENT hands of Avah. if i had felt you were REALLY being neglected, i wouldn’t have left.
    - you told me what you were willing to have done, and what was too much. i didn’t push you on what was too much.
    -i did not duct tape your hair, or go around your head “two or three times.”
    - i may have tried some things that you didn’t like (ie, cold oil on your back) but that wasn’t intended to bother you. to me, part of play is “trying things without necessarily talking about everything i’m going to do to you.” i don’t think i’ve ever encountered anyone who wanted me to negotiate or explain every act to them.
    - i didn’t just “walk away and leave (you) there.” i told you and Avah that i needed to get the door again. if you didn’t hear it, that was unfortunate - because i definitely thought you did. Avah, on the other hand, DID hear it, and i’m very surprised if she didn’t explain it to you, once you started to express your negative feelings (to her, and, unfortunately, not to me!) about the situation. this omission on her part may have greatly influenced where you are now.

    Someone Else Who’s Attended the Parties: you are way off. first of all, i doubt that you really are someone who attends the parties. you obviously have no idea why i ask for donations as i do - and frankly, i have no interest to explain it to you in this format. and if you have come in the past, my advice to you is: don’t come anymore. you obviously feel wronged, you feel like you’re not getting what you deserve, and you feel like i am making some sort of profit here, especially off of you. the parties are supposed to be fun, no one is being “sold,” and no one is forced to attend - on any level. please contact me through email and i will remove you from the party invite list.

    this is obviously a difficult issue for you, Wendy. i am truly sorry you are suffering so much. i’m sure you will continue to write on your blog about how horrible i am, and refute the points i have made above. if you want to discuss it further with me, you can contact me by email, and maybe we can reach some place of peace here. or maybe you don’t want to. regardless, i, like that other person who commented, will no longer be reading this drama as it unfolds on your blog.

    good luck in your future.

  • 26 Wendy // Dec 20, 2007 at 12:11 pm

    I can assure you, as the person who get to see everyone who post here’s email and IP address, marcus, that “Someone Else Who’s Attended the Parties” has in fact, attended the parties and knows you.

    My need to state my points forces me to deal with three points - Yes, you did tape my hair. Why would I make up a stupid detail like that? I very clearly remember it. I was annoyed the minute tape went on my hair, because I didn’t want my hair to get damaged. Go ask Avah, she was the one peeling it out of my hair for me.

    You communicating my chattieness via your blog with no names? Dude. There were four girls at your party. You named desire. The rest of the party goers knew who was who. And if you consider that an acceptable way of communicating with me, then this is all rather pot, kettle, black, isn’t it?

    And really, I don’t see the point in you or the other person telling me your not going to be reading anymore. One I don’t know, and one I don’t like. I should care that you don’t want to read?

  • 27 Avah // Dec 20, 2007 at 5:47 pm

    Gee, I wonder what would happen if I poured some of this gasoline on this raging fire in front of me?

    1) Duct tape over hair- yes. Absolutely without a doubt in my mind.

    2) Marcus leaving to answer the door? Not to my best knowledge. I know he left once to get the door and that’s when I took the clothes pins off, but after that when Wendy was all tied up, I saw him just walk out of the room after dumping the oil on her back and then never came back.

    3) Why yes, I am quite competent, aren’t I? But I was just a voyeur in Wendy and Marcus’s scene. Yes, I was looking out for my friend, but ultimately the responsibility for Wendy’s well being lay on Marcus. And quite frankly, I did make sure to stay near by because I didn’t thing Marcus would take care of her. One instance I hate to be right.

    *Sits back with box of snow caps and Jujubees and thinks this is more entertaining than when I broke up with Jefferson this summer!*

  • 28 Molly // Dec 20, 2007 at 10:14 pm

    I didnt really see this as a show to be entertained by - and I doubt it is - but as it has been called that, can I please request a song? I dont mean that this song is about this exact situation - it’s more about the life on the edge that all of us are exploring… and how there will be fallout and pain sometimes. god knows I have been burnt a couple times myself. I wonder, could I be so bold as to suggest we all just reach out to each other with a bit more love and understanding in order to try help sort this? My request is Indoor Fireworks by Elvis Costello. its a beautiful song and here’s the opening few lines.

    We play these parlour games
    We play at make believe
    When we get to the part where I say that I’m going to leave
    Everybody loves a happy ending but we don’t even try
    We go straight past pretending
    To the part where everybody loves to cry

    Indoor fireworks
    Can still burn your fingers
    Indoor fireworks
    We swore we were safe as houses
    They’re not so spectacular
    They don’t burn up in the sky
    But they can dazzle or delight
    Or bring a tear
    When the smoke gets in your eyes

  • 29 Avah // Dec 21, 2007 at 3:02 pm

    It’s turned into a show what with everyone quibbling over where the duct tape was and where Marcus went when he left when people are forgetting the real issue of a top leaving a bottom.

    Period. That’s what it boils down to.

    And I agree with you Molly, there definitely needs to be more love and understanding in this situation.

    Avah’s last blog post..Skin on Skin

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