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Aftershocks

By Wendy | December 7, 2007

Or, whats been going on since the events of Ball-gags and Bad Times, the events of which were several weeks ago.

I want you all to understand that this isn’t some bullshit blog drama, but that this is my life.  Yes, while part of the intent behind the post about Marcus was punitive, I won’t deny that, the main reason I wrote and posted it was because it was an abscess inside of me that needed to be drained. Unfortunately, draining an abscess is gross and painful, and takes time.

I didn’t have a little snippy fight with Marcus and decide to create drama by posting it. I was hurt, in a very horrible way, and I needed to vent it.  People were upset that I posted it, because it was Marcus, which I don’t understand. If it were anyone from outside the blogosphere, or outside my group of friends, everyone would call his actions for what they were.

The choice to post was made because this was part of my life, and part of my sex life, and necessary for me to share. Its was, and has continued to be traumatic and stressful. It has massively affecting my life, and has been hurting me.

The writing of that piece was triggered by a breakdown I had after the last Pleasure Salon.  I had two drinks, was ridiculously drunk. I’m sure I made a fool of myself. But it was so hard for me to be out and with all the people around, the smallness of the space, and the happy aura of the room. I was so far down already, I couldn’t handle it.

I left, with a promise to Sammy that I would text him as soon as I got home safe - he’s sweet like that, and an awesome concerned friend.

I stopped at Subway, to get some food in me, because I hadn’t eaten since the afternoon, and apparently, I was more upset looking than I though, because the man making my wrap gave me free cookies.

I went down to the subway, and ate slowly. My train arrived very quickly. I was crying the whole way home. I cried the whole walk home. I cried in the bathroom. I cried in my room. I cried getting into my pyjamas and curling up on my bed. I cried and cried and cried. I tried to read, and tried to watch TV to distract myself, but I couldn’t. I cried in my room, trying to sleep. I was cold, inside and out, and I couldn’t make it stop. Right then, I hated myself more than I have ever hated anything before. I felt like I was horrible.  Like no one cared, no one loved me, and that’s why no one had seen that I’ve been in pain. For so long, it seemed, I felt cold inside. I kept trying, the past weeks, to stay warm, with blankets and socks and sweaters, but that doesn’t keep you warm inside.

I cried till I couldn’t breath, and my throat was tight, to the point where it was painful to try and blow my nose, because it made me sick. I threw up. And I cried more, and threw up. I lay in my bed, tearing at my hair, and striking myself about the head and face, which was something I hadn’t done in years.  I’ve been self injury free since April 2003, and proud of it. I stopped by myself. I hadn’t done anything, anything since then. Now, as I lay on my bed, face swollen and throbbing, it seemed like it was all I had. I was scared, I was panicking, I was backsliding, and I felt like I had no one. At that moment, everyone I wanted with me, who know me well and know how to deal with me at times like this were far away. Maria is in Utah. Elizabeth is in California, Franklin was out with people, Daniel doesn’t give a shit.

I finally took two Xanax, and passed out at three am. Franklin came over the next night, when I finally was able to answer my phone. We ate fajitas and watched a movie. He left, and I went back into my room, safer.

By Monday morning, I had the realization that I could be dead in my room and my flatmates would never notice, until the mail piled up.

By Monday afternoon, I had gotten some of the physical, comforting human contact I needed, but it only helped a little. I went home, and finally fell asleep early, wrecked emotionally, at 8pm.

This my friends, was all in one weekend, when the past weeks had come to a head.

Since D.C., I haven’t been sleeping. I have gone days with out eating, then eating too much. I’ve spent hours, laying on my bed, sitting on the couch, staring at nothing, thinking nothing. I have sat holding books I couldn’t read, or staring at a blank TV, not knitting. I had no interested in anything. Couldn’t read, couldn’t write, couldn’t distract myself. I hid from most people, and went to a few events, but otherwise, I stayed home. I’ve missed school, because I can’t concentrate. I fear going back. There are classes I will now surely fail. My face exploded, and is only just healing up again.  Headaches and crying jags. No sleep. Too much sleep. Xanax. Even with my regular medication, I’ve been depressed and anxious. I’m seeing things out of the corner of my eyes again.

Physically, its been a bad few weeks.

Emotionally?

I feel violated. I have lost confidence in myself. I’ve lost a large sense of my self worth. I’m unsure of my self in public. I’ve been having trouble interacting with people. With my friends, its been very difficult to put up a good face, and hiding has been easier, and strangers, I haven’t even wanted to deal with. I’ve been snippy with everyone.

I’ve been feeling sexually uncomfortable. I was skittish with the last male I’ve been with, and while I don’t think he noticed, it made me sad, because he’s someone I’m extraordinarily comfortable with.  My libido’s been hiding, or raging. Mostly hiding. I’ve been uncomfortable in my body. I’m hyper-aware of my actions, my motions, of my body. Everything is feeling uncomfortable.

And I’m sick of trying to pretend nothings wrong, goddamnit.

Topics: blog, depression, health, humiliation, life, my past, self injury, thoughts, writing |

15 Responses to “Aftershocks”

  1. Edward Says:
    December 7th, 2007 at 6:58 am

    I’m not from your part of the country, I don’t know you, and I don’t know Marcus. I am a long time person in the scene, and I want to say two things. First, I am so sorry you felt so bad. I wish you had someone to write to, talk to, who was able to be there for you, hold you, listen to you. Perhaps you do and have not let them in? I don’t know… Second, what Marcus did was completely unacceptable. It would certainly get him barred from playing at any parties I had anything to do with. If you talk too much he either needed to tell you that and search for some solutions, if necessary asking you not to come to the parties, or shut up. He WAS outrageous. You WERE violated and treated in a way that could set you off.

    Anyone who can’t see that, and hear your pain, let them fuck off. Don’t let them spoil your life, your school, your sex life.

    Big hug to you, my dear.

  2. Curvaceous Dee Says:
    December 7th, 2007 at 7:01 am

    I didn’t take you writing about the event in question as drama-making at all, but rather an attempt to begin to work through how what has occured had impacted you.

    If you want to talk it out with someone who’s on completely the opposite side of the world from the group of friends who were present, then I’d be more than happy to lend an ear.

    xx Dee

  3. Swordfish155 Says:
    December 7th, 2007 at 10:53 am

    I just came to your blog a week or so ago, pulling it from Urban Gypsy’s description of the play piercing party, but I’m really sorry you’re having such a difficult time of life, and I feel badly for you stuck in the spiral you’re in. Change your routines and make the ultimate effort to do whatever you haven’t been doing, which always seems to work for me, although it’s sooo difficult

  4. Joy Says:
    December 7th, 2007 at 11:44 am

    Oh, Wendy-lady. This is terrible. Do you have a BDSM-friendly therapist that you can talk to? I don’t think (in my highly uninformed, not-truly-knowing you opinion) this is something you should even be *trying* to handle alone. While I think you are fully *justified*, whatever that is, in your feelings and reactions, what really matters now is not whether you “should” be having these feelings and reactions, but that you are. And that they’re serious and worthy of attention and help.
    Take care of yourself, Wendy. We out here in blogland would be very very sad if anything happened to our Blackheart.

  5. Tilda Says:
    December 7th, 2007 at 12:02 pm

    Do you want to get lunch or something sometime? E-mail me and let’s get together. I would really like that.

  6. Nix Says:
    December 7th, 2007 at 1:58 pm

    Well, now you DO have a roommate who will notice if you are dead in your room way before the mail has a chance to pile up.

    Small comfort, but..
    xo

  7. Eileen Says:
    December 7th, 2007 at 2:46 pm

    Good for you for writing.

    Sending hugs your way.

  8. Cody Says:
    December 7th, 2007 at 3:16 pm

    God forbid anyone criticize Marcus, let alone publicly!

    He’s Jefferson-approved! He’s a blogosphere celebrity!

    It’s called stupidity. It’s called immaturity.

    The one thing I’ve learned as of late is that I may be a mere 22, but I’m more adult than half the older people I come into contact with.

    This is all just virtual reality, you know. Fuck that.

  9. Nathan Says:
    December 7th, 2007 at 4:15 pm

    You don’t need to contextualize or justify why you posted what you did; what happened was fucked up. If other folks don’t like that you posted it, they should try to justify Marcus’ actions to YOU. Frankly, I’d be suspicious of any attempt to justify what happened to you. You didn’t fuck up here, and you don’t owe people any explanations.

  10. Maja Says:
    December 7th, 2007 at 9:29 pm

    [breathing] Okay, wow.

    First of all, I apologize. I think my comments before, while obviously sincere, were a little more…cavalier?… than maybe was warranted. You write with such a sense of self knowledge that I guess I glossed over the “…and I’m still not okay yet” part. I should have read more carefully before yakking back.

    But there’s another thing. Do you remember when I told you that I’d had that dream where I was hanging out with my good friend Wendy Blackheart? Reading this post, I had that same fierce reaction I get when one of my friends (whom I’ve known for years) is hurting. Like I want to turn into a lion and go maul whatever it is that’s hurting you, tangible or intangible. So maybe that sounds weird, but, um, hi I’d like to be your friend now ::awkward foot-shuffle::

    Which means that now I want to give you all that good-friend advice, but getting advice from people who don’t know all your personal quirks sucks, no matter how well-intentioned it is. The only thing I guess I can say in good conscience is please, please don’t give up, because you clearly rock. To quote this very blog… srsly.

  11. Wendy Says:
    December 7th, 2007 at 11:42 pm

    Maja - Don’t worry, I didn’t think you were being cavalier - I did rather gloss over how I felt afterwards, hence the second post. But srsly, I think we’re gonna be awesome friends. My friend Sascha has the idea to have a beading party, and I think you and me and Eileen and my Elizabeth should all go and bead and bond and such. ^_^ Thank you.

    Nathan - No one’s tried to justify Marcus’s actions to me, but I felt the need to explain further how this affected me, and to explain it wasn’t simply drama. I felt I wanted to explain more about my reactions to everything, because they have been affecting my life.

    Cody - Oh Cody. We totally need to hang out. This week sucks for me, coz, you know, surgery, but I’ll email you and we’ll make a date.

    Eileen - *hugs back* Danke Darling.

    Nix - Yay! I’d like my corpse to be found before the rats have a chance to break out and eat me, so thats a good thing.

    Tilda - You and I shall make a date as well. Again, after the surgery week. :)

    Joy - Yes, I’m working on making an appointment with my therapist. The downside to her, is that she’s out on Long Island, and I live in the city. But she rocks to hard for me to go to anyone else right now. But I should be seeing her later this week. That will help lots, to talk to a professional. ^_^ Thank you for your concern.

    Swordfish - Thank you. It is difficult to try to just change your patterns, but I’m working on it. Thats why I’ve been at least trying to socialize, and hopefully get everything else back together soon as well.

    Dee - Why thank you, I may take you up on that.

    And jesus, I hope I never need the fuckrake used on me! Thats a scary thing right there.

    Edward - I do have people I can talk to, as you can see here, but sometimes at bad times like this, I want someone who’s known me for ages. Me and my Elizabeth have been BFF for almost ten years, even longer for me and Maria -sometimes, you just wish they were right here. And I’ve been making wonderful new friends who’ll hopefully be around for just as long. Thrown in the mental state I was right then, its hard to realize all that. Thank you for your words and input. Big hugs back!

  12. Comfort Says:
    December 8th, 2007 at 3:52 pm

    Being violated is an awful thing to come back from. Your feelings are always valid. I’m sorry this happened to you. Bask as much as you can in the love and support of those that are there for you.

  13. Lily Says:
    December 9th, 2007 at 5:50 pm

    Wendy, as I was one of the people who “extended to you their private condolences,” instead of posting a comment, I read Cody’s comments and felt really guilty. She’s right. Marcus is a jackass, a narcissist and a mean-spirited juvenile, and I was very sorry to hear about what happened.

    And for God’s sake, speaking as a highly medicated person, DON’T GO OFF YOUR MEDS!

  14. MsBehavn Says:
    December 10th, 2007 at 10:13 am

    Wendy, the silence that has been forthcoming from your “friends” is an indictment on their character.

    Wishing you strength to get through this.

    xo

    And Cody: well-fucking-said!!!!

  15. Bea Says:
    December 11th, 2007 at 9:08 am

    Perhaps you’d feel better and the matter would clear if you confronted him about this?

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