Hokay. So I think I may be about to share an opinion that might make me a little bit unpopular and will definitely make me sound like a bitch, but I don’t care. While this was inspired by some hot blooded words shared on twitter, it is *not* directed at anyone in particular. However, I have had experiences with this waaaaay to much to keep my mouth shut, and quite frankly, I don’t want to keep it shut.

One of the things I love about attending Sex Positive and BDSM events is the truly amazingly wide variety of people you meet – I have had the opportunity to meet people from all sorts of different spiritual paths, BDSM paths, sexual orientations, genders, states of being, ideologies, relationship constructions, you name it, and I know for a fact that my life is richer and more interesting for knowing each and every one of these people, no matter how long we met and interacted, even if we don’t interact much now.

That we can all come to one place, whatever that place is, and be accepted is a beautiful thing. That whatever we are can be treated with respect, even if others don’t understand it, is a beautiful thing.

Now maybe I was weird when I was young, but I never thought the BDSM/SexPos scenes were going to be any different from the rest of life. I figured there would be a wide variety of people there. People older than me, people I was attracted to, people I wasn’t attracted to, people that I wanted to bone, people that I would never want to see naked under any other circumstances, people that I would want to be friends with, people that I couldn’t stand, scenes that I would find super hot, and scenes that would totally gross me out, all that sort of thing.

So, I put on my manners, and I went with an open mind, because I’m an adult who knows how to act in public, and who knows that if I don’t like what I’m seeing, I can just move along.

That, my friends, is the key to going to an event. Maturity. If you think you might be freaked out by seeing people you don’t find sexually attractive being sexual, and don’t know how you’ll react, then you either need to get the fuck over it and go, or simply not go until you think you can deal with it.

If you’re going to be all judgy about people’s bodies and the way they play, then I wouldn’t want to be at the same event with you anyway.

People aren’t perfect – we are going to have our own thoughts and ideas about what we like and find attractive, and that is *perfectly* fine. We all have our body types that we inhabit, and we all have types that we like. We may even find someone kind of sexually icky, and that’s fine too. You don’t have to find everyone else sexually attractive in this world, and fie on anyone who says you do.

But there is more to hotness than body. I think every time I’ve described the attendees of Dark Odyssey events as anything, its been as awesome, hot, cool people with good energy. Same goes for most of the events I attend – for me, its more about attitude and energy than the way people look.

One person mentioned their discomfort with events by saying that they think of kinky events as being on a date with everyone there, and getting weirded out if there are people they find icky there. (Which, by the sheer number of people involved in any scene attended any event, is pretty much inevitable. There is such a broad spectrum of people that you can’t help meet both people who get you hot and squishy and people who do the opposite. Its just, that definition is different for everyone.)

Part of this way of thinking, to me, is the idea of thinking you are on a date with everyone there – because you are *not*, and in my opinion, it is presumptuous to think so. The idea of thinking of everyone at an event as your date, because you are at that event? Not cool.

I had another person tell me the reason they didn’t want to attend a particular event was because they ‘heard’ (because they never attended, so how would they know?) that it was filled with old, unattractive people being naked and having sex. IMO, also not cool.

I’ve heard people complain about there not being enough ‘hot’ people at events.

I’ve heard people complain, and even had them complain to *me* about their being too many fatties at events. Or too many ‘old’ people. Or too many of whatever, or not enough of whatever.

Maybe this whole topic gets to me because I have personally encountered this kind of douche baggery from people, as I have been a fat chick, but it bothers me no matter what the particular focus of their whine is.

The people attending an event are *people*. People who are there to attend classes and learn, to meet new friends, to make use of the dungeon facilities or the orgy rooms, or to skinny dip or whatever and who are there to have fun, and to do all this in what they hope is a fairly open, accepting environment where they can let their hair down, relax, and express an aspect of their personality, or their lives, that they may not get to express publicly most of the time.

The assumption that these people are there and playing for your entertainment, titillation, or are in any other way doing anything that is related to you unless they specifically state they are is kind of presumptuous and jerky. Nothing someone else is doing, or being,  is about *you*.

The idea that its gross for older people to be out there being sexual is ageist – and eventually, god willing, we’ll all be old and boning one day. The idea that its gross for non-attractive people to be out there being sexual is offensive (And besides, who sets these standards? I always love to recall a slogan I’ve seen on t-shirts at lots of events ‘I’m somebody’s fetish!’ And who says that you’re so great, Mir Fancypants? I may walk around saying ‘I’m so great’ and ‘I’m so hot’, but the only person who needs to believe that is me, and if no one else does, it doesn’t matter.)

If you aren’t mature enough to handle people other than yourself and those select few you find attractive being sexual or kinky, maybe you’re not ready to go to kinky or sexual events. Just sayin’.

Generally at events, no one expects you to show up and fuck/play with them just because you’re there. (Of course, there will always be that type of douche floating around, but they’re in the minority, thank god). You don’t have to worry about playing with someone you don’t want feel attracted to -you can just say no. You don’t even have to say why. If someone presses you for a reason, well, fuck ‘em. Its not something they need. You can just say you’re not interested right now, your not feeling good, or no. Generally, I find people aren’t offended. I know I’m not offended when people I’ve asked to play say no thanks – its just how life is.

And the only advice I can give for dealing with it is to get over yourself – because in this case, the issue is squarely with you. Unless you decided to host your own, private, screened party, there are going to be people you don’t feel attracted to at events. Think of it like this – you go outside every day and there are people you don’t want to bone around you. Do you complain? Probably not, because you realize that it happens.

Same goes for kinky events and sex events or what have you. Its the same deal. If you don’t want to fuck someone, you don’t. If you don’t want to play with them, you don’t. If you see something happening you don’t like, you don’t look at it. No one expects anyone to do anything, and if someone expects you do do something you don’t feel comfortable doing, they’re a jerk.

I’ve met people who’ve stayed fully dressed at orgies. I’ve met people who’ve gone to events and just attended classes because they didn’t feel like playing. Hell, we’re a very negotiation-happy bunch – you can do whatever you want within the parameters you’re comfortable with if you just be cool and try to communicate.

Deal. Be a grown up. Or don’t – its your choice.

But from my experience, its been rewarding, fulfilling, sexy, interesting, and damn exciting. You get to learn stuff and see stuff and try stuff, you get to meet people, and you get to broaden your mind if you’re willing.