That’s something I’ve been asking myself quite a bit lately. I’ve been thinking quite a bit about the threads of the stories of my life, and this one really had no proper ending. It just…trailed.

I need to write the ending, however, mostly for me. Because it hurt me, and threw me off and made me doubt myself.

Things started off really well. It was the heady combination of Gabriel and conversations with my roomie that really brought it to my attention that I am, in fact, a top, and that I really enjoy being mean to boys with hurty things.

I met his other lover, the best friend of his girlfriend (Rebecca, and awesome girl. I <3 her!). I even met his primary girlfriend, but that was after things started to go wonky. She was sweet too. I liked her very much, and she and I went to a very nice Tibetan place near St. Marks that I want to go back to.

Things seemed to be going well. There were hot kinky scenes. There were decent sexy times. However, I think perceptions and communication were a bit of a problem. I did my best, I think. This was my first real experience dealing with poly in a communicative way, in a way that was more structured than I’m used to.

For example, Nathan has a girlfriend. I like her. She is utterly filled with awesome. Nathan and I fool around and play when we can get together, and all is good. They have a good solid relationship, as far as I know. I’m not a threat. I don’t want him to be my boyfriend. We’re friends. We smoke pot, we watch cartoons, we go to Indian Buffets, and we have sex. It is that simple. I adore him and have a deep affection for him as a friend, and good times are had.

But there are no rules or structure or titles or labels or confusion with Nathan. Things fell into a comfortable situation, and there wasn’t any weirdness. He’s my friend that I have a great deal of affection for and have sex with.

I think Gabriel misinterpreted my affection. I liked him a lot. He was new and shiny and pretty and I could do fun evil things to him that got my rocks off, and he was fun to kiss and cuddle and pet. But I didn’t want him to be mine. It never even entered my mind. He had a girlfriend (and soon, two. He and his girlfriend and *her* girlfriend turned into a lovely triad), he had Rebecca, and then me. I was well aware and content with that state of things.

Maybe he thought I wanted more than what was going on, but I didn’t. While new and shiny and pretty, he was also young, immature in regards to sex and relationships, and quite frankly not the kind of guy I’d be interested in dating. Too high strung, nervous and very defensive.

He also had a very bad habit of making me feel very small and tiny, in a very bad way. The one that really hit me below the belt was the night I had my birthday three way. Nathan and Gabriel came over, and we had a very fun sexy evening. After Nathan left, Gabriel and I were in bed, reading before going to sleep, when his girlfriend called. While talking to her, he said “Oh yeah, I was at Wendy’s but I’m home now.”

This rubbed me wrong for many reasons. First of all, while I acknowledge he’s got a girlfriend who he loves and is a high priority, it was frustrating that while we were in bed, he’d get on the phone and completely ignore me. Personally, I would say “Hey, its great to hear from you, but I can’t talk long because I’m with XYZ, can I call you tomorrow?”, not stay on the phone for forty minutes. I wound up getting out of my own bed and going to the living room while they talked. Granted, I should have said something.

The other part that bothered me was the “I WAS at Wendy’s, but I’m home now”.

First of all, I know the girlfriend knew about me. We’d emailed a bit, and we’re on each others livejournal friends lists. As far as I knew, she didn’t have a problem with Gabriel and I playing, and he didn’t inform me about any rules of their relationship about, say, not having sleep overs or something. It rankled that for whatever reason he felt uncomfortable saying he was at my place.

I don’t think wanting consideration as a lover is a bad thing. I don’t like being made uncomfortable in my own home.

When I tried to talk to him about this, he got ridiculously defensive. After that, things went down hill.

He and I made plans one evening, with Rebecca. He’d never seen Harold and Maude, you see, and this is one of Rebecca’s favourite movies, and one of mine as well.  We figured we’d chill, I’d cook, and we’d watch the movie.

He was an hour late, and didn’t call. Finally, Rebecca called him. He was home, asleep. “You guys woke me up for this?” was what I hear over the phone. Yeah bitch, we woke up you up for this. We had plans.

I hate making plans and having them bailed on for no good reason. There are often other things I can do. That night, there was a piercing class at LSM I had really really wanted to go to, planned to skip to see him, since he couldn’t go, what with that being a boy thing.

It didn’t help that while eating later on with Rebecca, I dropped my salad on the carpet. I really wanted that salad, and it wound up tasting like carpet.

So, we made plans again. He bailed, again.

And again. We had a text message exchange after that - I was starting to get really mad.  It was rude, discourteous, and mean.

And then I never heard from him again.

The part that really bothers me is this: I hate that kind of crap. If you don’t want to see me any more, for whatever reason, just fucking tell me. I’m a big girl. I understand that things don’t happen.

Maybe I was expecting to much from such a young boy, but really. How hard is it to say ‘You know, something about this isn’t working out for me/I’m not comfortable with the situation/whatever’.

I’ve done it. It isn’t a fun conversation, but I believe people deserve better than to be ignored.