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Things Every Man Should Own/Know/Hear

April 3rd, 2008 · 27 Comments

Just a collection of bits of advice and thoughts I’ve had brewing around.

Own at least one decent vibrator, preferably a bullet vibe.

Why a bullet in particular? Because of the shape, they are really easy to use during sex, in all sorts of positions. I’ve tried most of them. Really. I do my research. You can also give the controller to her, or use it yourself, and play with the power of the vibrations. That can be fun, I hear. (No one fucks with my vibrations when I’m trying to get off. No one.)

They’re simple, cheap, and work well. Babeland sells two very good bullet vibes for under twenty bucks. Hell, just about any porn shop has an inexpensive bullet vibe. (If not, than at the very least, they have a Doc Johnsen Pocket Rocket those fuckers pack a powerful punch for something on a single double a battery. Ah, memories…) *EDIT – I ought to have mentioned that another advantage of bullets is that they can be slid into a condom to keep them clean between different partners, and different orifices.

My favourite is the silk touch egg by grrltoyz. I have one covered in Mika stickers in sea foam green. The best part, is that the egg is detachable from the controller, for easier cleaning. However, my egg, after a year of valiant use, has died. The wiring is wonky and it won’t stay vibrating if its moved. I shall be replacing the egg soon. The controller stays. I mean, its got Mika stickers! Its also got a powerful set of adjustable vibrations. But I digress.

Why should every man own a decent vibrator? Well, its simple. Women like them. Really. Not every woman, of course, but quite a few. There are also some girls, like me, who generally don’t come from penis in vagina sex alone. (Personally, I don’t usually come from oral sex either. For an orgasm, I need the help of something that whirrs and vibrates.)

Now, since I know this about myself, if I’m even a little positive that there might be sex happening, I bring my vibe along. But sometimes, you forget, or its in the other room, or sex just happens. Not a problem! Sex is awesome! And yes, I often have sex sans vibrator, but sorry boys, when I do, I’m not usually having an orgasm. I’m having a bitchen time, I’m feeling really good, but I’m not coming. I want to come. I’m pretty sure you want me to come to. So help me out. Have a vibrator in the drawer next to the condoms. Srsly, it will help.

I know I can’t be the only girl who feels this way!

And srsly, if you’re one of those guys who feels threatened by the use of a vibrator during sex…fuck off. Fuck right the hell off, you selfish egotistical bastard. You fuck off and die. I had a friend dating a boy like that, and she never had orgasms. She, much like me, and many other girls, just wasn’t built to come from fucking. He also didn’t do oral. So I bought her a vibrator for Christmas, and she fucking loved it. HE got all pissy and defensive and upset. They had lots of fights over it. Why the fuck would you NOT want the woman you’re dating and sleeping with to feel good? Its not a lack of anything on your part, ok? Put the machismo away and get over it.

Lube!

I. Love. Lube. I love it love it love it. Its the greatest thing in the world, ever.

Every man should own at least one decent sized bottle of a good water based lube. Personally, I almost only use Babelube. Its the lube of choice in my bedroom. Hell, if I could get Babelubeto sponsor me, I totally would. Its water based, glycerin free, and very mild on the vagina. I also find that it isn’t sticky or greasy at all. (I find it is also really good for anal. Heh.)

Before I used Babelube, I used Slippery Stuff, which is essentially the same thing.

I’ve tried Astroglide, but I personally find it too greasy and too thin. I’ve also used KY, but I just…I hate it. Lots. But those are personal feelings. Everyone has different tastes, and different needs in lube. Do some research, and try a few before you buy a big bottle. I’ll say again though, that I personally recommend something water based and glycerin free if you are having penis in vagina sex. It makes for happy hootches.

These days, I find that lots of people, men and women, have lube on hand. It just helps. I don’t always get as wet as I want to be, and sometimes, when you’re slipping that fourth finger in, it helps to have a little (lot) something extra. It makes for a great messy wet hand-job too!

However….I’ve seen people used the crappiest stuff for lube. I had a gentleman, back when I first started writing this blog, offer his ass into my care. So, I went over to play! (How could I turn that down?!) We had some awesome sex, and then it came time to fuck his ass. I asked for lube, and he goddamn well handed me a bottle of fancy hand cream.

That brought the afternoon to a screaming halt.

Lets talk a basic fact folks. Hand cream is mean to be absorbed into your skin. Using it to put something in your ass is rather redundant, as your rectum is going to eventually absorb the cream, leaving you with no lube and too much friction. While I’m fairly certain its ok to absorb lotion in to your skin, I’m not so sure how healthy it is to absorb it in your gastrointestinal track. Probably not so much.

Also, yeah, sensitive hooey? I can’t put that in my vagina! (We were going to use a double ended toy for these festivities, so I needed some lube too.) I had to stop and sit and read the ingredients. Half of them I didn’t know, the other half I’m sure wouldn’t be good for me. I also don’t want a cunt that smells like flowers.

So yeah. Have some lube.

Why Paper Towels Rock My World

I keep a roll of paper towels on my dresser. They often make they’re way to my bedside drawers if I know I’m in for an evening of sex. I often joke that I should just put up a dispenser over my bed.

A washcloth is great for leisurely bathroom clean up, and I have those, but a roll of paper towels is great in the moment. You can clean up real quick and cuddle, you can wipe lube off with out messing up your sheets, and using fewer washcloths also leads to less laundry. I hate doing laundry.

Also, I do lots of anal. Its always good to have some paper towels in easy reach for a clean up, since shit happens. Literally. And who wants to bring those towels to the laundrette? You also don’t want them sitting around in your laundry pile too long, gettin’ all stinky.

With paper towels, you can clean up, toss ‘em in a plastic bag, and throw them right away. Its a beautiful thing.

Manscaping, schmanscaping

I’m actually not massively into manscaping. I like male body hair! (I’m on both ends of the spectrum. I like smooth, pretty scrawny boys with nearly no body hair and I like really hairy guys. What?! Chest hair is fun to play with!)

But all I’m sayin’ is, trim your pubes, just a bit. Really. I don’t like having pubic hair in my nose if I’m not deep throating a boy. I’m not saying you need to do anything fancy or weird. I’m not asking ya’ll to shave. (hell, I don’t. I just buzz close with a beard trimmer.) Just a little trim here and there. Tame the jungle. Just a bit.

Oh, and do a quick pube tug before hand, ok? Get those loose hairs out of the way. Just sayin’. No one likes pubes in their mouth. Especially not long ones.

Condoms

I really hope I don’t need to mention this one. I think every boy over the age of 15 has a couple of condoms somewhere. Hell, they give them out at my school like candy. You can get ‘em free in NYC.

My condoms of choice are the good old Trojan lubricated condoms. I have quite a collection of NYC condoms as well, living here as I do. I keep some Trojan XXL’s around for my big toy, and for the boys who think they need them. (Read – yes, many of you boys are big. Very big. But I’ve only come across about three dicks that actually need the XL’s, and maybe ONE that needs the XXL’s. We’re just letting you have your illusions. Sorry.)
I’ve also picked up a few from Babeland I’m looking to try out. The Beyond Seven (which, come to think, I did try, and fucking loved. Callie gave me one. Thank you Callie!), Rough Riders, and some Kimono ultra thins (regular and XL, lucky me!) Whee!

Basically, a good, lubricated condom that makes you comfortable too.

However, I should make mention of one thing. Spermicide. Don’t get those!
A story:

Franklin and I had been dating for about three months. Long enough that we were in love, but not long enough that were were 100% at ease with each other about awkward stuff. I noticed, after a period of time, that he no longer went down on me. I also found myself reluctant to go down on him, because…well…his junk smelled. Apparently, so did mine. We were too afraid to mention it to each other at first.

It wasn’t lack of hygiene, or our diets. It turned out, we had mistakenly bought the spermicidal condoms, not the regular ones. Ick Ick Ick! We washed our junk in the sink, tossed the condoms, and…well, eventually, we dated long enough to get tested and ditch the condoms, but that’s a story for another day. (A note: I do get tested regularly, now that I’m single and slutty. I also, always, 100% of the time, use condoms. I may hate ‘em, but I don’t want to deal with the consequences of not using them.)

It also had the down side of making my hooey all uncomfortable. See, vagina’s are sensitive. Different women have different levels of sensitivity. Mine? Pretty fucking sensitive. Spermicide can lead to yeast city for me, if I’m not careful, and I don’t want that. I’ve had very few yeast infections in my life, because I’ve learned from my past experiences and do my best not to repeat any mistakes.

Speaking of yeast….

M/F/F Threesomes

I don’t like MFF threesomes. I’ve only once had a good experience with them, and I’ve been part of a few of them. *sigh* They’ll be a post on that coming soon. But I have, from experience, once piece of advice.

Don’t bloody well switch between fucking girls without changing your goddamn condom!

Let me say that another way.
USE A DIFFERENT CONDOM FOR EACH GIRL!

If you don’t, you will fully deserve the punch in the balls you get.

Srsly. They aren’t THAT expensive, ok?

The first douche-bag I had a FFM threesome with went directly from my friend, to me. It was a heat of the moment thing, and we were both sort of face down, ass up, but really, I didn’t think he needed to be TOLD this. I forgot how dumb he was. (He was pretty goddamn dumb. We only kept him around because we found out he was really good in bed. He had no other good qualities. Its a part of my past I’m not really that fond of. Lets move on.)

Aside from the obvious fact that going from her to me with the same condom could have transferred any STD she had right to me, thus, pretty much invalidating the condom, there is the fact that different people’s bodies have different flora and fauna. Every body is used to its own balance. However, introducing her stuff to my stuff like that threw off my balance, and, you guessed it. Yeast city.

I was so fucking pissed at that guy. Don’t be that guy, ok? I really don’t like punching people in the dick.

The actual post I’ll be doing about MFF threesomes will have the rest of my thoughts on them, including how NOT to completely objectify one of the girls and turn her into a toy against her will. Hmf.

Huh. I think that’s it for now. I’d tell you not to trip on my soapbox, but fuck, this is a blog. The whole thing is my freaking soap box!

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Tags: Anal · Callie · Franklin · boys · condoms · fingering · mika · pegging · sex · sluttasticness · thoughts

27 responses so far ↓

  • 1 Nix // Apr 3, 2008 at 12:36 pm

    Those NYC condoms are fab… they don’t taste yukky, if ya happen to be tasting post condom usage.

    I’m a big fan of Maximus lube. It also doesn’t taste ickly, and if it gets a little dried out, adding water (to the body, not the bottle) fixes things just fine.

    Not like I have any kind of oral fixation, however…

  • 2 Wendy // Apr 3, 2008 at 2:12 pm

    Oh damn, thats what I forgot to mention about water based lube! More water makes everything better. Heh. Spitting.

    Though, IMO, I have yet to find a lube that I don’t mind the taste of. I wish I had a sink in my bathroom for people to wash their dicks in.

  • 3 mnwhr // Apr 3, 2008 at 7:38 pm

    I always assumed women wouldn’t want to play with a “used” vibe.

    mnwhr’s last blog post..Screwing up on a HNT

  • 4 Wendy // Apr 3, 2008 at 7:52 pm

    Mnwhr – I’ll go back and edit that part – bullet vibes can be popped into a condom, to keep them clean.

  • 6 mnwhr // Apr 3, 2008 at 10:26 pm

    Great tip(condom over the vibe), i’ll also have to try the lube u suggest, have been using astroglide but always down for something new

    mnwhr’s last blog post..Screwing up on a HNT

  • 7 dallas // Apr 5, 2008 at 7:07 am

    Great collection of advice! Thanks for mentioning Babeland. You might also like the Crown condoms – they’re some favorites of mine.

    Babeland also has tons of great lube if people want to check out other options. So many people use KY because that’s what’s easiest to get but not only is it not the best lube, it has glycerin in it, which can cause yeast infections. Not fun. There are so many other awesome kinds of lube out there!

    dallas’s last blog post..How To Strip For Your Lover Workshop This Sunday

  • 8 havingmycake // Apr 6, 2008 at 9:29 am

    Id never heard the term ‘manscaping’ before. Priceless :)

    havingmycake’s last blog post..An Unnecessary Journey

  • 13 Slutty Duckling // Apr 8, 2008 at 7:25 am

    You forgot towels to lay under a squirting girl. There’s *nothing* worse than having a man tell you to stop because he just washed his sheets. A simple towel would have fixed that! Unless you’re like me — then you might need 2.

    Slutty Duckling’s last blog post..sugasm #126

  • 25 Patrick // Apr 27, 2008 at 4:04 pm

    So I’ll definitely be getting a vibrator since I aim to please.

    “A simple towel would have fixed that! Unless you’re like me — then you might need 2.”

    Or you could just put your mouth their and slurp it all up, that’s what I like do.

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